A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
“We’ll do it.”
Format: dialogue
Dialogue comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
Blessing with a Side of Cursing!
An old religious woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot. Everything is fine until she brings it home. It begins to swear uncontrollably: “F this, F that, F you,” and finally the lady can stand it no more.
She grabs the bird, shoves it in the freezer, and slams the door shut. Squawking, shrieking, pounding, and cursing come out of the freezer for a few moments, and then it goes quiet.
The woman is scared that she has hurt the bird and opens the freezer. The parrot walks calmly out and steps gently onto the woman’s outstretched hand. He looks into the lady’s eyes and says, “Ma’am, I am truly sorry if my language offended you, and it will not recur. If I may ask, what did the chicken do?”
-
Buzz Off: A Businessman’s Bee Dilemma!
A businessman wants to buy a farmhouse.
After discussing the price and coming to common ground on the terms, they shake hands, and the property is practically sold.
As they do a final walkthrough of the land, the businessman notices a beehive on the property and says, “Please, this needs to be removed—or take them with you. They could sting; it’s dangerous.”
The farmer answers, “They’ve never stung me once since they’ve been here. I’ve never had any problems with them. I understand that you’re afraid, though, so let’s do it like this: I’ll tie you to this tree right here and leave you here butt naked overnight. If any bee stings you, I’ll give you my property for free.”
They agree on those terms and shake hands again.
The next morning, the farmer checks on the businessman and finds him all dried up, skinny, pale, eyes rolled back, and barely holding himself up.
The farmer is shocked at the sight and says, “I want to apologize. This was a terrible idea. They never stung me or anyone who ever came by. Tell me, how many stung you?”
The businessman, barely speaking, says, “None… but tell me, does that calf of yours not have a mother?”
-
Papal Joyride: A Divine Driving Desire
After getting Pope Francis’s luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the pope is still standing on the curb.
“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver. “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”
“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”
“I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?!” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.
“Who’s going to tell?” says the pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 km/h.
“Please slow down, Your Holiness,” pleads the worried driver, but the pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
“Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license—and my job!” moans the driver.
The pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
“I need to talk to the chief,” he says to the dispatcher.The chief gets on the radio, and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 km/h.
“So bust him,” says the chief.
“I don’t think we want to do that. He’s really important,” says the cop.
The chief exclaims, “All the more reason!”
“No, I mean really important,” says the cop with a bit of persistence.
The chief then asks, “Who do you have there, the mayor?”
Cop: “Bigger.”
Chief: “A senator?”
Cop: “Bigger.”Chief: “The president?”
Cop: “Bigger.”
“Well,” says the chief, “who is it?”
Cop: “I think it’s God!”
The chief is even more puzzled and curious. “What makes you think it’s God?”
Cop: “His chauffeur is the pope!”
-
Firefighter or Photographer? The Great Mix-Up!
A photographer for a prominent national news magazine was assigned to get photos of a humongous forest fire.
Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. His editor made the arrangements and assured him the plane would be started and waiting for him at the airport.
As soon as he got to the small rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!”
The pilot turned the plane into the wind, and soon they were in the air.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low-level passes.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause, the pilot said, “Wait, you mean you’re not the instructor?”
-
Dirty Pictures Reveal True Desires!
A guy goes to the psychiatrist and the doctor orders a Rorschach test.
He shows his patient the first inkblot and asks what he sees. The reply: “Sex.”
Second inkblot, same question. The reply: “Sex.” Third time around, same thing.
The doctor says, “All you have on your mind is sex.”
The patient replies, “Well, of course I do, because you keep showing me those dirty pictures.”
-
Dorm Dilemma: The Cost of Curiosity
On the first day of college, the dean is making his initial address to the incoming student body and going over some of the rules.
“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory is out-of-bounds for all female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?”
“Yeah,” says a guy in the back. “How much for a season pass?”
