Narrative comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A salesman rings the doorbell and Johnny answers.
Salesman: “Can I see your dad?”
Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.”
Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?”
Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower too.”
Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?”
Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him superglue instead.”
An elderly Floridian calls 911 to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains the situation to the dispatcher:
“They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!”
“Stay calm,” says the dispatcher. “An officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later, the officer radios in:
“Disregard. She got in the back seat by mistake.”
An Irish woman of a certain age went to see her doctor and asked if there was anything he could prescribe to help revive her husband’s love life.
“Have you tried Viagra?” the doctor asked.
“Not a hope,” she replied. “The man won’t even take a paracetamol.”
“No problem,” said the doctor. “Try what we call ‘Irish Viagra.’ Slip a tablet into his coffee. He’ll never notice it. Give it a go and ring me next week to let me know how you get on.”
Well, she didn’t even last the week before calling him back.
“Doctor!” she cried. “Faith and begorrah, it was awful! Absolutely terrible!”
“Really?” the doctor asked. “What happened?”
“Well, I did exactly what you said and dropped the tablet into his coffee. The effect was nearly instant. He leapt to his feet with a wild sparkle in his eye and his trousers bulging like a circus tent!”
The doctor said, “Good heavens.”
“Before I knew it, he swept the cups clean off the table, tore me clothes clean off me back, and took me there and then, right on the tabletop!”
“So why was it so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Was the sex not good?”
“Good?” she shouted. “It was the best sex I’ve had in twenty-five years!” She paused dramatically.
“But I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”
Two retired New York businessmen run into each other in Florida.
After the usual greetings, the second one asked the first guy, “What happened to your business?” The first guy answers, “Competition started eating into my profits. There was a fire that destroyed the business so I decided to take the insurance money and retire. What about your business?” The second guy says, “Similar to you but I had a flood destroy my business.” The first man asks, “How do you arrange a flood?”
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Sydney, and sees an ad for a Gynaecologist’s Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more.
“Can you give me some more details on this job?” he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, “The job entails getting the women ready for the gynaecological consult. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they’re ready for the examination. There’s an annual salary of $75,000, but you’re going to have to go to Perth – other side of the country.”
The man says, “Oh, is that where the job is?”
The clerk says, “No sir. That’s where the end of the line is right now.”
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her coming to the clubhouse and asked, “Why are you back so early?”
“I was stung by a bee,” she said.
“Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole,” she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, “Then your feet were too far apart.”
Billy Ray was hired to paint the yellow stripes on the highway. His first day he painted 10 miles.
The second day he only painted 5. His boss, seeing how he was getting slower, decided to give him a day off, thinking that he needed a rest. When he came back the next day, he only painted 1/2 mile.
His now discouraged boss came up to him one day and said, “Excuse me, but why have you been painting less and less each day, even after I gave you a day off?”
“Simple,” Billy Ray answered, “I’ve been getting farther away from the paint can!”
A woman goes to the dentist and asks, “How much to pull two wisdom teeth?”
The dentist says, “$100.”
She replies, “That’s too much. Can’t you do it for less?”
The dentist says, “I can do it for $50 if I skip the anesthetic.”
“Still too much,” she says. “Any cheaper?”
The dentist says, “I could let my trainee do it for $20, but she’s never pulled a tooth before and it would be quite painful.”
“Perfect,” the woman says. “Schedule my husband for next week.”
At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the prayer. “But I don’t know how to pray,” he replied.
“Just pray for your family members, friends, neighbors, the poor, etc.” “Okay,” stuttered the boy.
“Dear Lord, Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won’t come again.
Forgive our neighbor’s son who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy’s iPhone…
And provide shelter for the homeless men who visit Mom’s room when Daddy is at work. Amen.”
