Format: narrative

Narrative comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Sperm Count

    An old man goes to the urologist to talk about having another child.

    The doctor says, “Do you know your sperm count?”

    The old man replies, “I didn’t know they could do math!”

  • Best Costume

    A sure-fire way to win “best costume” at the next Halloween party is to have somebody embed a real chainsaw blade into your shoulder.

    Timing is crucial, though — you don’t want to pass out from loss of blood after 10 minutes, long before the costume judging begins, like I did.

  • A Little Fuck

    A midget is walking along a path when a beautiful blonde comes walking by in the other direction.

    He says, “Hey beautiful, what do you say to a little fuck?”

    And she says, “Hello, you little fuck.”

  • The Doctor’s Clinic

    A doctor couldn’t get hired at the hospital, so he opened his own clinic.

    Outside, he hung a sign:

    TREATMENT: $20
    IF WE CAN’T CURE YOU — YOU GET $100 BACK

    A lawyer saw the sign and thought, “I’ll make some easy money.”

    He walked in.

    Lawyer: “I’ve lost my sense of taste.”

    Doctor: “Nurse, bottle No. 14 — three drops on his tongue.”

    The lawyer sputters, “Ugh! That’s kerosene!”

    Doctor: “Great — your taste is back. That’ll be $20.”

    Irritated, the lawyer returned a few days later.

    Lawyer: “I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.”

    Doctor: “Bottle No. 14 again — three drops.”

    Lawyer: “Hey! That’s kerosene! You gave me that last time!”

    Doctor: “Perfect — your memory is back. That’ll be $20.”

    Fuming, the lawyer came back one more time.

    Lawyer: “My eyesight is terrible. I can’t see a thing.”

    Doctor: “I’m afraid we can’t help with that. Here — take this $100.”

    The lawyer looks at the bill.

    “Hey… this is only $20!”

    Doctor: “And just like that… your eyesight is restored. That’ll be $20.”

  • The Centipede’s Errand

    An ant, a spider, and a centipede are holding a party.

    The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more. The centipede says, “No, let me do it. You’d take too long. I have a lot more legs than you — I can do it faster!” The bugs agree.

    Ten minutes pass… then twenty minutes, then thirty, then more. The spider asks, “What’s taking him so long?” The ant decides to head out to investigate. He opens the front door and sees the centipede outside.

    The ant asks, “Hey man, what’s taking you so long?”

    The centipede replies, “I’m still putting on my shoes.”

  • The Pumpkin Patch

    Recently, a female sheriff’s deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.

    The next day, at the Gwinnett County (Georgia) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

    The suspect explained he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. “You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around,” he stated.

    Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. “Guess I was really into it, y’know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

    In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff’s car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said Deputy Taylor. “I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just humping away at this pumpkin.”

    Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. “I said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?’”

    He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, “A pumpkin? Shit… is it midnight already?”

  • The Miracle Cure

    A man sits by his wife’s bed in the oncology ward. She has Stage IV throat cancer, and the prognosis is dark. She’s scheduled for a radical, life-saving surgery the next morning, but the doctors have been blunt: they have to remove a significant portion of her throat and vocal cords. She will never speak, swallow, or use her throat the same way again.

    She looks at her husband, her voice a raspy silver. “I want to do something for you,” she whispers. “One last time, while I still can. I want to give you oral sex.”

    The husband is taken aback. “Honey, no. You’re weak, you’re in pain… we don’t have to do that.” But she insists. She tells him it’s the only way she can feel like a “whole woman” before the surgery changes her forever. She begs him until he finally, reluctantly, agrees. It is a quiet, bittersweet, and incredibly emotional moment in the dim hospital light.

    The next morning, she is wheeled into surgery. The husband sits in the waiting room, bracing for a ten-hour ordeal. But after barely an hour, the lead surgeon walks out into the waiting area.

    The man’s heart sinks into his stomach. He stands up, trembling, his voice breaking. “Is she… is she gone? Did I lose her?”

    “No, no,” the surgeon says, looking like he’s seen a ghost. “We didn’t even pick up the scalpel. We did a final localized scan to map the margins, and the tumors… they’re just gone. There isn’t a single malignant cell left in her throat.”

    The surgeon asks if the husband had any possible explanation, anything at all to do with the woman’s throat. Though it’s embarrassing, the man tells the surgeon about what his wife did for him the night before the surgery. It’s the only thing he can think of.

    A week of tests follows. The hospital’s research team eventually brings the couple into a private office. “Sir, we’ve discovered something miraculous. Your body produces a rare, localized enzyme. When it makes contact with cancerous tissue, it triggers immediate, total cellular necrosis. You are a walking, biological cure.”

    The doctor sighs, looking at his notes. “We’re going to try to synthesize it, but the molecular structure is volatile and it seems to be more complex than we understand, because your sperm isn’t nearly as effective in lab conditions. It’s going to take us months, maybe years, to replicate this effect without the… direct involvement of your penis. But your wife is fully cured, and this could save millions more in the future.”

    The wife is beside herself with joy, clutching the husband’s hand. But the husband is staring at the floor, his face turning a sickly shade of grey.

    “Honey?” she asks, her voice now perfectly clear. “What is it? This is a miracle!”

    The husband looks up, his eyes filled with a thousand-yard stare.

    “My father called this morning… he was just diagnosed with Stage IV rectal cancer.”

  • The Butt Kicking Contest

    Two guys decide to have a butt kicking contest.

    The first guy takes a long run, hauls off, and kicks the other guy so hard he goes flying ten feet.

    The second guy lies there for a minute, gasping in pain, then pulls himself together, stands up, and says, “My turn.”

    The first guy says, “Never mind, you win.”

  • You Must Be Single

    Today I bought two bananas, an apple, and a pack of cigarettes. The cashier looked at me and said, “You must be single, huh?” And I’m like, “How do you know that?”

    She said, “Because you’re ugly.”

  • The Morgue

    A man got fired from his job for having sex during work hours. When his boss asked why he did it, the man replied, “I don’t know man, she was just lying there naked. I kinda got the hint so we fucked.”

    He was never hired at another morgue again.