And Jesus said unto his disciples, “Come forth, and you shall receive everlasting life…”
But John came fifth and received a set of steak knives.
Peter came last and had to eat the biscuit.
Format: setup-punchline
Setup-punchline comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Is There Baseball in Heaven
Two elderly Jews, Abe and Solomon, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons, and talking about baseball, like they do every single day.
Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”
Sol thinks about this for a minute, and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal: If I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you can do the same for me.”
They shake on it, and sadly, a couple of months later, Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol…”
Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, “So… Is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe, “there’s good news, and there’s bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.
Abe says, “Well, I can tell you that there IS baseball in heaven!”
Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that???”
Abe sighs sadly, and whispers, “You’re pitching for us on Friday…”
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You Guys Have No Life
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow, you guys have no life.
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The Lesser of Two Evils
My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his “better half.”
I returned the courtesy and introduced my wife as the “lesser of two evils.”
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Perfect Eyesight on the Golf Course
Jimmy is a 78-year-old retiree who has played golf every day for nearly 20 years. He arrives home from the course and he’s quite dejected. He tells his bride that he’s gonna hang up the sticks as he can no longer see his ball after he takes a swing, and it really makes him upset!
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”
“That’s no good,” sighs the dejected retiree, “your brother is 85 years old! He can’t help.”
“He may be 85,” says the patient wife, “but his eyesight is nearly perfect.”
So the next day Jimmy heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees it up on the first hole, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway, and immediately asks the brother-in-law, “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” Jimmy asks.
“I don’t remember.”
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Milton and the Chainsaw
Milton went to the store and bought a chainsaw. The next day, he brings it back, mad, and says, “Look, you told me that this chainsaw would cut down 25 trees in an hour and I spent all day yesterday and only cut 1 down.”
The clerk says, “Let me check it to see if it’s working right.” He starts it right up no problem and BRRRRRR!!!!
Milton jumps back in surprise and says, “What the hell is that noise?”
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That Bar Shit Is Over
My wife and I had only been married two weeks when I told her, “Honey, I’m going to Hank’s Tavern for a beer. I’ll be right back.”
“Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” she asked.
“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,” I said. “Just for a beer.”
“You want a beer, my love?” She opened the fridge and showed me 25 different kinds from 12 countries.
“Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar they have frozen glasses…”
“You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She pulled out a huge frozen mug from the freezer.
“Yes, Tootsie Roll… but they have really good hors d’oeuvres there too…”
“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She took out trays of chicken wings, pigs in blankets, and mushroom caps.
“But baby, at the bar there’s swearing and dirty words…”
“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR FUCKIN’ BEER IN YOUR STUPID FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR DUMB ASS HORS D’OEUVRES RIGHT HERE! YOU’RE FUCKIN’ MARRIED NOW — THAT BAR SHIT IS OVER. GOT IT, DUMB ASS?”
Exactly why I’ve been married for 27 years….
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The Pastor and the Post Office
A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies’ room of the gas station…
As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, “Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”
The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It’s on the left.”
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was, and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”
The little boy replied with a chuckle, “You’re kidding me, right? You can’t even find the Post Office.”
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Kenya Believe It
My wife left me because I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa.
Kenya believe it?!
