Setup-punchline comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
My wife asked me to go see a psychologist about my anger issues.
The doctor asked, “If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?”
I replied, “I’d get in my helicopter and fly away!”
The doctor asked, “Where did you get a helicopter?”
I replied, “The same freaking place you got that train from, dipshit!”
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience changed every week, so he repeated the same tricks.
The only problem was the captain’s parrot, who saw every show and figured out the secrets.
In the middle of performances, the parrot would shout: “Look, it’s not the same hat!” “He’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything about the captain’s bird.
One day the ship sank. The magician ended up on a piece of wood in the ocean… with the parrot right beside him.
They stared at each other in silence for days. Finally, the parrot said, “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”
A contractor wanted to give a politician a sports car. The politician objected saying, “My basic sense of ethics would never permit me to accept a gift like that.”
The contractor said, “I quite understand. Suppose we do this: I’ll sell you the car for ten dollars.”
The politician thought for a minute and said, “In that case I’ll take two.”
And that’s how things are in Congress today!
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. The child is screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things. The grandad says in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long… easy, boy.”
Another outburst, and she hears him calmly say, “It’s okay, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again, “William, relax, buddy. Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, William.”
Impressed, she approaches the grandfather outside as he loads his groceries and the boy into the car. “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. You kept your composure the whole time, calmly saying things would be okay no matter how loud and disruptive he got. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.”
“Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I’m William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.”
A little boy is in the shower with his mom.
“Mom, what’s that hairy thing in between your legs?”
She says, “That? Oh, that’s my sponge.”
Boy goes, “Ohhh okay, makes sense.”
He pauses and smiles, “Yeah, the babysitter has one too.”
Mom freezes. “Oh really?”
Boy: “Yep. I’ve seen her using it to wash Dad’s face.”
I told a joke on a Zoom meeting and no one laughed.
It turns out I’m not remotely funny.
Why do baby diapers have names like “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers,” while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”?
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper’em. When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!
A defendant was on trial for murder in Philadelphia.
There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.
A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”
Answered the jury foreman: “Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.”
Wife: Hey babe! I have to be honest with you about something.
Husband: Okay?
Wife: So the other night when you went out and you weren’t answering any of my texts or calls, I kind of went a little crazy.
Husband: (alarmed) What have you done?
Wife: I looked through your car and I couldn’t find any hair.
Husband: Of course, you’re not gonna find any hair.
Wife: So, you’re messing with bald bitches now? Is that what we’re into now? You go from one extreme to the next… like bald bitches.
Husband: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
