My first girlfriend never stopped counting, so I broke up with her.
I wonder what she’s up to?
Format: setup-punchline
Setup-punchline comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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It’s a Boy
It was 10 years ago today my best mate James came running out of the room shouting, “It’s a boy!” with tears streaming down his face.
We never went back to Thailand.
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The Lawn Guy
I had to fire the guy who mows my lawn.
He just wasn’t cutting it.
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The Butcher’s Accident
Did you hear about the butcher who fell backwards into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
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Exchanging Blows
How do two gay guys settle an argument?
They step outside and exchange blows.
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What Do You Do With a Six-Foot Asshole
A state trooper pulls over a doctor for speeding.
The trooper walks up to the window and says, “Do you know how fast you were going?” The doctor replies, “No, officer.”
The trooper starts writing the ticket and, trying to make conversation, asks, “So, what do you do for a living?” The doctor says, “I’m a proctologist.” The trooper asks, “What’s a proctologist?” The doctor smiles and says, “I stretch assholes.”
The trooper looks puzzled. “You can actually stretch one?”
“Certainly,” says the doctor. “I can stretch one from about six inches all the way to six feet.”
The trooper asks, “What do you do with a six-foot asshole?”
The doctor replies, “You give him a radar gun and park him beside the highway.”
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I Don’t Want Them Fucking Your Mother
A son takes his elderly father to the doctor.
The doctor says, “I’m sorry, sir, but the outlook is grim. You have a rare form of cancer and you’ll be dead in a year.”
As they’re driving home, the father says, “You know, I’m not depressed. I’ve lived 75 great years. Tonight let’s go out and celebrate my good, long life!”
That night they’re at the bar and the father is surrounded by all of his friends and he says, “Yup, I’ve got AIDS. I’ll be dead in a year.”
At the end of the night, the son is driving his father home. He says, “Pop, you’ve got cancer. Why did you tell all your buddies you have AIDS?”
“Because after I’m dead, I don’t want them fucking your mother.”
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You Need to Stop Masturbating
A man goes to the doctor after not having been for over a decade.
The doctor walks into the examination room and says, “Alright, before we start the physical, I have the results of some of your preliminary blood work that I’d like to discuss — first off, you need to stop smoking.”
The man says, “Why? I can breathe fine.” And the doctor says, “Maybe, but your blood work is showing some signs of heart disease and smoking is going to make that worse. Now also, you’ll need to stop drinking.”
The man says, “Oh come on, doc, drinking with my buddies is my favorite thing!” And the doctor says, “That may be so, but your blood work is showing some potential liver damage, so you’ll need to quit. Now then, we can begin the examination.”
The doctor pulls out his stethoscope and puts it on the man’s chest. He abruptly pulls it away and says, “You need to stop masturbating.”
The man gets fed up and says, “Doc, come on! I can’t drink — sure, I get it. I can’t smoke — yeah, smoking’s bad for you. But what could masturbating be doing to my health?!”
The doctor replies, “It’s not doing anything bad for your health. I’m just trying to examine you.”
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We’ve Been Lucky So Far
Little Johnny and Sophia are only 12 years old, but they know they are madly in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Sophia’s father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Scaduto, me and Sophia are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”
Thinking that this was the cutest thing ever, Mr. Scaduto replies, “Well, Johnny, you are only 12. Where will you two live?”
Without a moment’s hesitation, Johnny replies, “In Sophia’s room. It’s a lot bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”
Mr. Scaduto says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Sophia.”
Again, Johnny instantly replies, “Our allowances. Sophia makes $10 a week and I make $15 a week. Together that’s about $100 a month, so I figure that should do us just fine.”
Mr. Scaduto is duly impressed that Johnny has put so much thought into this.
“Well, Johnny, it sounds like you’ve got everything figured out. I just have one final question. What will you do if the two of you should happen to have little children of your own?”
Johnny shrugs and says, “Hey, we’ve been lucky so far!”
