Women call me ugly only until they find how much I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor!!
Format: short form
Short form comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Alive With the Sound of Muzak
Nothing sours my holiday mood like surly people at the mall, especially ones who are unimpressed by my jubilant proclamation that my groin is alive with the sound of Muzak.
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Firing My Slingshot at Target
The mall security dude arrested me for firing my slingshot at Target. Come on, they were asking for it!
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Caught Napping: Creative Excuses for Workplace Sleeping
If You Get Caught Sleeping on the Job
“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
“This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.”
“I was working smarter – not harder.”
“Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.”
“Oh, I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
“This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
“I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.”
“I was trying to remember where that difficult ‘Z’ Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead.”
“I’m in the management training program.”
“I’m actually doing a ‘Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan’ (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.”
“This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”
“I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?”
“Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
“Uh, hey, whaddaya expect… the coffee machine is broken…”
“Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
“Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
“It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?”
“Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”
“I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.”
“The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.”
“Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.” -
Bud Bowl
I kind of miss the “Bud Bowl” — not because I watched it so much as because I enjoyed hearing my stoner roommates snicker in between handfuls of Funyuns every time the phrase was uttered on TV.
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Engineer Humor
Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had, in a way you don’t understand.Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to be an undertaker.Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way. -
Never Misses a Period
What quality does the best secretary in the world have?
She never misses a period.
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Stupid Things People Have Said Trying to Get Their Computers to Work
- “Can you fax me a disk?”
- “Is that a capital ‘7’?”
- “Can I buy the Internet?”
- “Oh, you mean I need a modem and a computer to access the Internet!”
- “I have a 464 with 8K.”
- “It says I have 512 kegabytes.”
- “I’d like to buy a box of hard disks.”
- “My wife downloaded 20 megs of free space. Is that enough?”
- “The Internet — isn’t that a microchip?”
- “Every time I call you I get disconnected from the Internet!”
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Not Looked Back Since
To save money on fuel I took the mirrors off of my car to reduce drag.
I’ve not looked back since.
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The Top 15 Things Overheard at Office Holiday Parties
15. “All right, who’s the smartass who replaced the French onion dip with Wite-Out?”
14. “So I said to myself, ‘Jell-O mold — moldy Jell-O… who’s gonna know the difference?’”
13. “A Chia Pet instead of a cash bonus! How creative of you, sir.”
12. “Hey, did you remember to let the boss out of that rat hole outside of Tikrit?”
“Me? I thought you were supposed to!”11. “Hey, baby, wanna be today’s guest of honor in my blog?”
10. “I know it’s a photocopy of Jenkins’s buttocks, but you’ve got to admit, it does look like Santa.”
9. “There’s a holiday scene for you: Rudolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer sitting at the table with VP Little Dumber Boy.”
8. “I forgot the party was tonight, until I realized that the entire IT department smells like Old Spice.”
7. “So he crosses out the ‘A451,’ writes ‘A578’ at the top, and tries to resubmit it! Can you believe that guy? An A451! Hahahahaha!”
6. “Sorry Boss, you know the rule: no bonus, no oral favors.”
5. “Take your clothes off, men — time to go skinny-dipping in the secretarial pool!”
4. “I remember the old days when we’d just photocopy our asses. Now we have to outsource it to a graphics company so they can touch it up before IT posts it to the corporate website.”
3. “Don’t crash the Halliburton party next door — they’re asking twenty-four bucks for a Bud Light.”
2. “He’s your Secret Santa? Be careful. It took six prescriptions to get rid of what he gave me last year.”
1. “You’re the boss’s wife? What a coincidence — I’m his bitch.”
The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
Copyright 2003 by Chris White
