When I think back about my grandpa, I always picture him in a Wonder Woman outfit. Not his around-the-house one, but the nice one with the gold sequins.
Format: short form
Short form comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Souble Standards
When I’m sitting in a restaurant with a date and she asks, “Do you mind if I smoke?” I always feel like saying, “No, but do you mind if I sit here beside you and discreetly masturbate under the tablecloth?”
Regrettably, I never do, since by the time she gets around to asking about the cigarette, I’m usually half finished and have no intention of stopping anyway.
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My nose starts pointing skyward
While I love my renewed confidence now that I had the doctor transfer pubic hair to my bald scalp, the only side effect seems to be that whenever I talk to a pretty girl, my nose starts pointing skyward.
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A complete prick
When I first met Richard Peter Johnson, he seemed like a decent guy, but he turned out to be a complete prick.
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Scaring the crap out of the passengers
It was in 1875 that my great-great-grandmother Elsa began appearing on stages throughout the Old West, and scaring the crap out of the passengers.
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Help me out here
It’s really cool when you and your girlfriend finish each other’s sentences. It sucks, though, when you break up and discover you’re no longer capable of speaking in complete… uh… help me out here…
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Turns out that is 9:30 pm
When I was a kid, bedtime was 9:30 p.m. I couldn’t wait to be a grown-up so I could go to bed anytime I wanted.
Turns out that is 9:30 p.m.
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The impotent couldn’t come
We recently opened a shelter for the poor, needy, and the impotent.
The poor and needy showed up, but the impotent couldn’t come.
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Only time would tell
The frogs looked real. In fact, I was sure they were. But could they play those little musical instruments, especially burdened by that patina of lacquer inhibiting their movement? Only time would tell, and I had all night.
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Top 16 Things Overheard During Saddam’s Trial
16. “Let the record show that the defendant has entered a plea of ‘not guilty by reason of oppressive tyranny.’”
15. “Seventeen consecutive life sentences? You can do that time standing on your head, big guy. No, really.”
14. “Mr. Hussein, could you please tell the court why this goat looks at you so fondly?”
13. “Call Rumsfeld. He’ll vouch for me.”
12. “Speaking of WMDs, either we need air conditioning in this courtroom or Saddam has to quit eating prison food.”
11. “Your Honor, Mr. Hussein would like to present evidence implicating the entire state of Florida as the true architect of recent evil.”
10. “And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids and that dog!”
9. “In Iraq, we understand that torture obtains information, murder instills fear and respect, and attempted genocide puts down rebellions — but Zabibah and the King? A completely inexcusable offense, you vile son of a dog!”
8. “We’ll drop the charges if you’d just please tell us where a WMD is — preferably right before the election.”
7. “Word is that his name around the cell block is Shirley.”
6. “Would jurors number 7 and 12 please put down the RPGs?”
5. “Well, yes, he does kind of look like Billy Joel, now that you mention it.”
4. “He was found living in a hole and has been in prison ever since, yet he still looks healthier than Cheney.”
3. “I would never order the deaths of my fellow citizens. However, we did respond in self-defense after an epidemic of people charged our firing squads, single file.”
2. “Your Honor, the soldiers who found Mr. Hussein would like to apologize to the court for not shooting him instead.”
And Topfive.com’s number one thing overheard during Saddam’s trial…
1. “Bail is set at ‘when monkeys fly out of my butt singing show tunes.’”
