Format: text

Text comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Depressed And Miserable

    Depressed And Miserable

    Last year I was miserable and depressed but this year I turned that shit around so I’m depressed and miserable now

  • Stationery Bike

    To get into better shape, I treated myself to a new piece of exercise equipment. It looks real pretty with my name and address on it, but the paper cuts are killing me. I guess I should have done more research before getting a stationery bike.

  • Adios Card

    Adios Card

    Can you grab a card on the way home? My coworker’s mom died

    Loss of Loved One

    ADIOS!

    Loss of Loved One

    what the fuck is wrong with you?

  • Ajax Super Strong

    Ajax Super Strong

    I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla

  • Roland the Farter

    Roland the Farter

    Imagine farting so good that the King gives you a 30 acre estate.

    Imagine someone farting so good, that you’re reading about them right now, 900 years later.

    Roland the Farter – a medieval flatulist who lived in twelfth-century England. Given Hemingstone manor in Suffolk and 12 hectares (30 acres) of land in return for his services as a jester for King Henry II. Each year he was obliged to perform “Unum saltum et siffletum et unum bumbulum” (one jump, one whistle, and one fart) for the King’s court at Christmas.

  • The Greatest Headline of Our Generation

    The Greatest Headline of Our Generation

    A Tumblr hall-of-famer: suicidal trip to Mexico pivots hard into a week-long coke and hookers bender, and the patient decides life might be worth sticking around for after all. Poetry.

  • Car Brand Acronym Insults and Jokes

    AUDI
    Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
    Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

    BMW
    Be My Wife
    Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
    Big Money Works
    Bought My Wife
    Break My Windows
    Brutal Money Waster
    Business, Money and Woman

    BUICK
    Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

    CHEVROLET
    Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
    Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

    DODGE
    Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
    Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

    FIAT
    Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
    Fix It All the Time
    Fix It Again, Tony!

    FORD
    backwards –. Driver Returns On Foot
    Fault Of R & D
    Fast Only Rolling Downhill
    Features O.J. and Ron’s DNA
    First On Recall Day
    First On Rust and Deterioration
    Fix Or Repair Daily
    Found On Road, Dead
    Found On Russian Dump

    GM
    General Maintenance

    GMC
    Garage Man’s Companion
    Got a Mechanic Coming?

    HONDA
    Had One Never Did Again
    Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.

    HYUNDAI
    Hope You Understand Nothing’s Driveable And Inexpensive . . .

    MAZDA
    Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

    OLDSMOBILE
    Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
    Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular Leftover Equipment

    PROTON
    Possibly the Riskiest Option to Travel On-road Nowadays.

    SAAB
    Send Another Automobile Back
    Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

    TOYOTA
    Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

    VOLVO
    Very Odd Looking Vehicular ObjecT

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  • German Car Parts Get Hilariously Mistranslated Names

    When the German language doesn’t have an existing word one can sometimes assemble a new one from bits they already have. Therefore non-british people who speak english should pronounce the german phonetically.

    INDICATORS Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
    BONNET Pullnob und Knucklechoppen
    EXHAUST Spitzenpoppenhangentuben
    SPEEDOMETER Der Egobooster und Linenshooter
    CLUTCH Die Kuplink mit achlippen und schaken
    PUNCTURE Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken
    LEARNER Die Twatten mit Elplate
    ESTATE CAR Der Bagzeroomfurshagginaute
    PARKING METER Der tennarpinscher und Zlochenarr
    WINDSCREEN WIPER Der flippenflappenmuckenschpredder
    POWER BRAKES Der edbangeronvinschreen stoppenquick
    GEAR LEVER Biggensticken fur Kangaroochoppen
    FUEL GAUGE Der Walletemptyung Meter
    BREATHALYSER Die Puffitinter fur Pistenarsen
    REAR VIEW MIRROR Der Yonkunter ist Tooklosan
    SEAT BELT Der klunkenklikken frauleinstrapper
    HEADLIGHTS Das Dippendontdazzelubasted
    EXHAUST FUMES Die Koffundschplitterpoluter
    HIGHWAY CODE Der Wipen fur Arsen
    FOG WARNING Die Puttenklogdownan und Fukkitt
    TRAFFIC JAM Die Bluddifuckin Dammundblast
    REAR SEAT Der Schpringentester
    TYRES Flatfahrts
    BACKFIRE Der Lowdenbangermekkenjumpen
    JUGGERNAUT Der Fukkengratt Trukken
    ACCIDENT Das Bleedinkmess
    NEAR ACCIDENT Der Phewn Near Schittenselfen
    GARAGE Der Hieway Robberung
    CYCLIST Der Peddallpushink Pilloken
    SKID Die Bannanen Waltzen
    DOUBLE WHITE LINES Overtaken und Krunchen.

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  • Down For Whatever

    Down For Whatever

    I say “I’m down for whatever” a lot for someone who is down for maybe 3 things and one of those is napping and another is sleeping

  • Clutches Her Purse

    Clutches Her Purse

    Instagram: S.grate @sgrate_

    The most offensive thing as a black man is when you walkin down the street and a old white woman clutches her purse… bitch really think she stronger than me