Joke Type: absurdist

Absurdist jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Sick of Them Horsing Around

    I told my kids to stop pretending to be farm animals.

    I was getting sick of them horsing around.

  • It Made My Earring

    I went to a store where they use explosives to create jewelry.

    As I entered there was a loud “bang.” It made my earring.

  • Basketball Teams Could Score More Points Together

    Basketball Teams Could Score More Points Together

    if both basketball teams just worked together they could score so many more points

  • Spilled the Beans

    I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

    They really didn’t like it when I spilled the beans.

  • Haven’t Heard From Him Since

    Another friend recently quit his job to pursue a career to be a mime.

    I haven’t heard from him since.

  • Catch a Falling Star and Blackmail It

    Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket. Then tell it that unless you get a cool half-mil, you’ll sell to the highest tabloid bidder those embarrassing photos of it puking naked in the alley.

  • Top 13 Signs a Cartoon Character Is a Terrorist (Part II)

    The Top 13 Signs a Cartoon Character Is a Terrorist (Part II)

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    13. Maybe it’s the burqas, but there’s something unsettling about Jihad and the Pussycats.

    12. Miss Hannigan is hard of hearing and thinks she has been promised 72 urchins.

    11. You overhear “Eh, what’s up, bin Doc?”

    10. Who else would have masterminded the tainted spinach outbreak last September?

    9. You hear “Arriba! Arriba!” and look up to see an unattended, ticking package where there was nothing a moment before.

    8. Cathy hasn’t packed on as many pounds over the years as you’d think: “Ack! This sweater won’t fit over my suicide belt!”

    7. “I tawt I taw an imperialit devil. I did! I did see an imperialit devil!”

    6. He’s on Al-Jazeera declaring, “Ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdeath to America!”

    5. When that sociopathic, sadistic bitch once again yanks the football away from Charlie Brown, he cuts off her hands then has her stoned to death.

    4. Your interrogators seem to think this Pinocchio character is lying.

    3. “Duck season!” “Rabbit season!” “Duck season!” “Rabbit season!” “Rabbit season!” “DucKA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!”

    2. Seen taking ACME BAT WING flying lessons without learning how to land.

    1. “I will gladly pay you Tuesday for some mustard gas today.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • His Career Is Now in Ruins

    I have a friend who quit his job to pursue his dream in archaeology.

    His career is now in ruins.

  • Blossom and Piggy in Dublin

    A priest was walking the streets of Dublin and came upon a little girl walking her dog. The little girl came up to the priest and smiled, so the priest inquired as to her name.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “Blossom,” said the little girl.

    “Oh Jaysus, what a pretty name. How’d you come to be named that, dear?”

    The little girl replied, “When my mother was pregnant with me she was walking through a park and a single flower blossom was carried by the wind and landed directly at her feet.”

    “Oh, what a sweet story,” the priest beamed. “And what might be the name of your dog?”

    “Piggy,” said the girl.

    “And why was he named that?” asked the priest.

    And the little girl says, “Because he fucks pigs.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The New CEO and the Delivery Guy

    A new CEO decides it’s time to get rid of the slackers.

    During a tour of the office, he notices a guy leaning against the wall while everyone else is working.

    Seeing a chance to show he means business, he walks over and asks, “How much do you make a week?”

    A little surprised, the young man replies, “About $400. Why?”

    The CEO says, “Wait right here.”

    He goes back to his office, returns a few minutes later, hands the guy $1,600 in cash, and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now get out, and don’t come back!”

    Feeling pretty proud of himself, the CEO turns to the employees and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did around here?”

    A voice from the back says, “He was the DoorDash delivery guy.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail