Joke Type: adult humor

Adult humor jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • She Farted and Flew Out the Window

    Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the house, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn’t going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used “blowup” dolls instead.

    She put the dolls in each man’s room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

    The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned… how was it for you?”

    The second man replied, “I think mine was a witch.”

    The first man asked, “How’s that?”

    “Well,” said the second man, “when I nibbled on her breast… she farted and flew out the window!”

  • Dear Diary: A Viagra Diary

    Dear Diary:

    Day 1
    Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

    Day 2
    Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, gimme a break. He’s been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.

    Day 3
    This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

    Day 4
    A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem.’ It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, ‘this time, I’d rather not have your mother join us.’ I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

    Day 7
    This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you!

    Day 8
    I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.

    Day 10
    Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn’t working. What am I gonna do?

    Day 11
    The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.

    Day 12
    I’m basically being drilled to death. It’s like going out with a Black and Decker power tool.

    Day 13
    I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying ‘fabulous,’ and still he keeps coming after me!

    Day 14
    Now I know how Saddam Hussein’s wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. Let’s hope he’s not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out!

    Day 15
    I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.

    Day 16
    I may just have to kill him. Then he’ll go out the way he wants to… stiff! With my luck, I won’t be able to close the casket.

  • Pickup Lines That Will Get You Rejected

    70 pickup lines

    1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.

    2. Do you want to see something swell?

    3. Hey babe…do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?

    4. Drop ’em!

    5. What do you like for breakfast?

    6. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?

    7. Wanna fuck like bunnies?

    8. Say, did we go to different schools together?

    9. Why don’t you come over here, sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up?

    10. I had a friend who used to hand out phone cards that said: “Smile if you want to sleep with me.” And watch them try to hold back their laugh.

    11. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?

    12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

    13. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?

    14. Hey baby, let’s go make some babies.

    15. At the office copy machine. “Reproducing eh?” “Can I help?”

    16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?

    17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!

    18. Hey babe…can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?

    19. Hey babe…can you suck start a Harley?

    20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, “I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum.”

    21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? HEY! What’s wrong, don’t you like pizza?

    22. A woman asks, “Excuse me, do you have the time?” You: “Do you have the energy?”

    23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?

    24. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)

    25. Bond. James Bond.

    26. Do you spit or swallow?

    27. You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in the book. So what’s one more?

    28. Your place or mine?

    29. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?

    30. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.

    31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?

    32. Your face or MINE!?

    33. “Are you ready to go home yet?”

    34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

    35. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?

    36. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?

    37. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.

    38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let’s play gynecologist.

    39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.

    40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.

    41. I’m on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?

    42. I’d look good on you.

    43. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?

    44. I’d give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.

    45. I would kill or die to make love to you.

    46. Sex is a killer…want to die happy?

    47. I love every bone in your body – especially mine.

    48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

    49. HI! Can I buy you a car?

    50. NOW, BITCH!

    51. Fancy a fuck?

    52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.

    53. Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?

    54. I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

    55. Fuck me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your name Gretchen?

    56. I’m Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?

    57. Was your father a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

    58. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: “I want to see if you were really made in heaven.”

    59. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your clothes on?

    60. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?

    61. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Have you ever had your belly-button licked?…(Yes)…From the inside?

    62. Your legs must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all night.

    63. If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let me spend some time up between the holidays?

    64. Hi, how are you?

    65. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) ‘Cause I could see myself in your pants.

    66. Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.

    67. Hi, my name is {name}, I like peanut butter, wanna fuck?

    68. I am a magical being, take off your bra.

    69. Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?

    70. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.

    71. Hold out two fingers and say: “Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?” (I don’t know.) “‘Cause they’re mine sweetheart.”

  • Stoned Dennys Next Right

    Stoned Dennys Next Right

    YOU’RE STONED. IT’S 3 A.M. NOTHING ELSE IS OPEN. NEXT RIGHT

    Denny’s

  • Hol Up Threesome

    Hol Up Threesome

    When your girl says yes to a 3 some and you get in the room and there’s 2 niggas and shes holdin a camera

    Hol up.

  • Sex I Can’t Tell Anyone About

    My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!” I groaned, “No…”

    “Sex that I can’t tell anyone about.”

  • Butterface

    Joey was hanging in a bar, and his friends asked him if he’d scored lately.

    “Man, I picked up this chick the other night and had the best sex ever,” Joey told them. “The only problem was, she was a total butterface.”

    His friends asked him, “What the hell is a butterface?”

    Joey answered, “Everything about her was hot, but her face.”

  • I Had No Idea Your Father Was a Pharmacist

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her and her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms.

    The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

    That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents’ house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in.”

    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

    Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

    The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!”

  • Can I Turn the Light Off?

    A man is about to have sex with a really large woman, so he climbs on top of her.

    “Can I turn the ceiling light off?” he asks.

    “Why?” she replies. “Are you feeling a bit shy?”

    “No,” he says. “It’s burning my ass.”

  • He’s at Home with the Kids

    A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman, “Do you know what your asshole does when you’re having an orgasm?”

    “Sure,” she said. “He’s at home, taking care of the kids.”