Adult humor jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
Joey was hanging in a bar, and his friends asked him if he’d scored lately.
“Man, I picked up this chick the other night and had the best sex ever,” Joey told them. “The only problem was, she was a total butterface.”
His friends asked him, “What the hell is a butterface?”
Joey answered, “Everything about her was hot, but her face.”
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her and her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents’ house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in.”
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!”
A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman, “Do you know what your asshole does when you’re having an orgasm?”
“Sure,” she said. “He’s at home, taking care of the kids.”
A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, “Dad, what does a pussy look like?”
The dad asked him, “Before or after sex?”
“Ummm, before sex,” the kid replied.
The dad said, “Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?”
“Yeah,” said the son. “Well, what about after sex?”
His dad replied, “Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?”
A midget went into a whorehouse. None of the girls really wanted to serve him, so finally they drew lots and Mitzi was unlucky and went up to the room with him.
A minute later, there was a loud scream. The Madam and all of the girls charged up the staircase and into the room. Mitzi lay on the floor in a dead faint.
Standing next to the bed was the midget, nude, with a three-foot cock hanging down and almost touching the floor. The girls were dumbfounded by the sight. Finally, one of them regained her composure enough to say, “Sir, would you mind if we felt it? We’ve never seen anything like that before.”
The midget sighed. “Okay, honey, but only touching. No sucking. I used to be six feet tall.”
David Veltri @Veltrida
i don’t wanna be rude, but i’ve gathered enough info in my life to know that people who like chunky peanut butter like to be choked during sex
“SAY IT WITH FLOWERS!”
“I NEED SOMETHING THAT SAYS, ‘I’D LIKE TO STICK MY DICK BETWEEN YOUR TITS’”
My wife can’t figure out why I love staying up late to do our taxes. What she doesn’t know is that my process involves writing “I.R.S.” on the forehead of a blow-up doll and repeatedly ramming it in the ass.
