Joke Type: adult humor

Adult humor jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • A Lucky Night At The Bar

    I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
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    We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double. ‘What’s that?’ I asked. ‘It’s a mother-and-daughter threesome,’ she said.

    As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, ‘No, I haven’t.’

    We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘Tonight’s your lucky night.’ We went back to her place.

    We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, ‘Mom… you still awake?’

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  • They Say That During Sex You Burn Off Calories

    They say that during sex, you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

    Who the hell runs eight miles in one minute?

  • The Walk Home

    A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides, what the hell.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
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    They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It’s a policeman.

    “What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

    “I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

    “Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop. “I didn’t know.”

    “Well,” says the man, “to tell the truth, neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

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  • The Devil’s Three Wishes

    A man spent years worshipping the Devil.

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    The Devil finally showed up and offered him three wishes.

    “First wish,” the man said. “I want a thousand more wishes.”

    “Doesn’t work like that.”

    “Fine. Turn your trident into a toothpick.”

    The Devil sighed and did it.

    “Second wish. Stick that toothpick up your ass.”

    He stared at the man for a long moment, then did that too.

    “Now give me a thousand wishes,” the man said, “or my third wish is that the toothpick turns back into a trident.”

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  • Romantic Nostalgia

    An elderly couple had just climbed into bed for the night.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
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    As they lay in the dark, the wife felt a wave of romantic nostalgia.

    “Honey,” she whispered, “remember how you used to hold my hand when we were courting?”

    The husband sighed, reached over, took her hand, squeezed it gently, and settled back down.

    A few minutes later, she whispered, “And remember how you used to lean over and give me a sweet little kiss on the cheek?”

    The husband sighed again, rolled over, kissed her cheek, and tucked himself back in.

    Another minute passed.

    “And remember how you used to softly nibble on my neck and ear?”

    Suddenly, the husband threw off the blankets, swung his legs out of bed, and stood up.

    Startled, the wife asked, “Honey, where are you going?”

    Without looking back, he muttered, “To the bathroom to get my teeth!”

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  • What Turns You On More

    A wife gets naked and asks her husband, “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?”

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    Her husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, “Your sense of humor.”

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  • Goofy Has a Son

    Goofy Has a Son

    nervabeacon

    Goofy is the only classic Disney character who has had sex.

    Mickey has nephews, Donald has nephews, Goofy has a son.

    And he wasn’t adopted, he looks just like him.

    Goofy… has had sex.
    Goofy… has known a woman biblically.

    Imagine what it must’ve looked like.
    Imagine what it sounded like.

    These are the things I think about when I wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat.

    GA-HYUK.

  • The Difference Between a Lamborghini and a Dead Hooker

    What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead hooker?

    I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

  • Why Bill Clinton Stopped Playing the Saxophone

    Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?

    To take up more time playing that harmonica.

  • A Friend of Mine Had a Penis Extension

    A friend of mine had a penis extension.

    And now his house looks stupid.