Joke Type: adult humor

Adult humor jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Likes It Rough

    Likes It Rough

    When she says she likes it rough but starts crying when you kick her in the head

  • Sits On Face Sideways

    Sits On Face Sideways

    When she sits on your face sideways

  • Home Alone With My Penis

    Home Alone With My Penis

    When I’m home alone with my penis

  • So Big Fuck U

    So Big Fuck U

    [about to have sex]

    her: ur so big

    me: [putting my shirt back on] fuck u

  • On My Way Woody

    On My Way Woody

    My hand right after I wake up in the morning:

    On my way woody!

  • Quickies: Crude Jokes for Adults Only

    Quickies

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    Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
    A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

    Q: What’s the difference between sin and shame?
    A: It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.

    Q: What’s the speed limit of sex?
    A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

    Q: What’s the ultimate rejection?
    A: When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

    Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
    A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face, and moaning, “Lie to me!”

    Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
    A: Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

    Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
    A: K9P.

    Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
    A: “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”

    Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
    A: If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito Lay.

    Q: What’s another name for pickled bread?
    A: Dill-dough

    Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
    A: He heard the snowblower coming.

  • Clitty Bruiser Deluxe

    Clitty Bruiser Deluxe

    DIFSEL

    CLITTY-BRUISER DELUXE 5000-D 10 H.P. MODEL

    “It’s nothing numb nuts… go back to sleep”

  • Hold On for Eight Seconds

    Do you know what a rodeo fuck is?

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    Your wife/girlfriend gets on all fours. You mount up, making sure you have a good grip.

    Then you say, “Honey, you’re the worst piece of ass I ever had!”

    Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.

  • Computer Safety: A Gentleman’s Guide

    1. It is unsafe to lick your monitor while it is ON.

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    2. The orifices in the back of your monitor are NOT intended for participation in the LIVE sex shows.

    3. The fan in your computer’s power supply is not a good place to cool your “heat of passion” (although, it would certainly be an enlightening experience).

    4. Be prepared to replace your keyboard often if you enjoy “tickling the keys” with your manhood.

    5. Semen IS electrically conductive!

  • Dirty Medical Humor: Adult Jokes Collection

    Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
    A: It’s what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

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    Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
    A: A bingo machine.

    Q: What do you call a Florida gynecologist?
    A: A spreader of old wives’ tails…

    Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
    A: They have shaky hands!

    Q: What do you call a female midget who’s nice and gives head?
    A: Short, sweet, and to the point!

    Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
    A: An armadildo.

    Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
    A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

    Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can’t?
    A: Come in eight flavors.

    Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on T.V.?
    A: “Ward, weren’t you a little hard on the Beaver last night?”

    Q: Do you know why it’s called sex?
    A: Because it’s easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh…Ahhhhhh….AIIEEEEEEE!!!

    Q: What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
    A: Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)

    Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
    A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.

    Q: If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
    A: 8 hours, 59 minutes – who cares what she wants!

    Q: What do you do in case of fallout?
    A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

    Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
    A: In case you miss.