Guy gets home from golf and his wife asks, “How was the game?”
“Terrible, Dave dropped dead of a heart attack on the third tee.”
“Oh, how awful!”
“You’re telling me! The rest of the round it was hit a shot, drag Dave, hit a shot, drag Dave…”
Joke Type: anecdotal
Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
-
The Fifteen-Dollar Porsche
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream at him…
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother. “She must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!
Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that’s exactly what I did.”
-
The Smuggler at the Border
At the border, a man rides up on a bicycle with a sack on the luggage rack.
The customs officer stops him and asks, “Do you have anything to declare?”
“Nothing,” the man replies.
“And what’s in the sack?”
“Sand.”
The officer inspects the sack. Sure enough, nothing but sand.
The next day, the man returns on the bicycle with another sack of sand.
Again, the officer checks it. Nothing but sand.
This goes on every day for a week.
By the eighth day, the officer has become increasingly suspicious. He sifts the sand. Nothing.
The man continues crossing the border every day. After two more weeks, the officer finally sends the sand off to a laboratory for analysis.
The results come back: nothing but sand.
Another month passes. By now, the customs officer is losing his mind.
Finally, he pulls the man aside and says, “Listen… off the record, between you and me, I promise I won’t tell a soul. But you have to tell me what you’re smuggling.”
The man looks around carefully, leans in, and whispers:
“Bicycles.”
-
The Boss and the Thousand Dollars
A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have sex with you. I’ll make it very fast. I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor. By the time you bend down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”
She thought about it for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend replied, “Go for it, but ask him for $2,000 instead. Pick up the money as fast as you can—he won’t even have time to undress himself.”
So she agreed.
Half an hour later, the boyfriend called her back.
“What happened?” he asked.
She replied, “That bastard used coins… I’m still picking them up, and he’s still going!”
-
The Toothbrush in the Toilet
My 4-year-old grandson came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
He stood there thinking for a moment… then ran to my bathroom and came back with my toothbrush.
He held it up with a charming little smile and said, “We better throw this one out too… ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.”
-
The Produce Boy From Canada
A man walks into the produce section of his local supermarket and asks to purchase half a head of lettuce. The boy working in the department tells him that lettuce is only sold in whole heads.
Frustrated, the man insists the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.” And as he finishes his sentence, he turns to see the man standing right behind him, so he quickly adds, “and this kind gentleman offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
An hour later, the manager finds the boy in the store and says, “I saw what you did there and was really impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”
“I’m from Canada, sir,” the boy replies.
“Why did you leave Canada for here?” the manager asks.
The boy sarcastically responds, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”
“Oh really,” says the manager, “my wife is from Canada!”
The boy quickly replies, “No shit, who’d she play for?”
-
Marge and Mildred at the Wheel
After sharing a bottle of wine, Marge and Diane were driving home. Both short, they could barely see over the dashboard.
Soon, they came to an intersection. The light was red, but they drove straight through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing it. I could’ve sworn that was a red light.”
A minute later, another red light—and they drove through it. At the next red light, they drove right through again!
She turned to her friend and said, “Mildred, did you know we just ran three red lights?! You could have killed us!”
Mildred looked over and said, “Oh geez… am I driving?”
