Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • # Long Distance Love’s Harsh Reality

    Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college, but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.

    As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.

    He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and e-mails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

    So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.”

    Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but, even more, so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

    He wrote on the back of the photo the following, “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money! I’m getting pretty desperate!” and mailed the picture to her parents.

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  • Future Racecar Driver

    The way my four-year-old really gets into steering when we’re in the car makes me think he might grow up to be a professional racecar driver. And to think I originally just needed him to sit in my lap and take the wheel while I reached back for another beer.

  • Little Brother Not Wanted

    One night, a four-year old heard some strange noises in his parent’s bedroom, so he gets out of bed to check it out. He enters their room and sees his father on top of his mother.

    Pretty confused, he asks them what they were doing. Reckoning there was not a good time for the “flowers and the bees” story, Dad says “Ur, we’re, like, making a little brother for you”.

    The kid gets very upset and leaves the room sobbing “I don’t wanna little brooootheeer!”

    Next night, same thing, just that Mom was on top of Dad. “What now?”, wants the boy to know. Embarrassed, mom says they were making a little sister for him.

    “I don’t want no little siiiisteeeeer”, whimpers the kid, while returning to his bed.

    Third night he had the same sleeping problem. This time, in parent’s bed, the father was behind the mother, so he just slaps the door very angry, crying “I don’t want a doooog!”

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  • The Cab Driver’s Creative Payment Plan

    A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

    So the wife comes into the doctor’s office and the doctor asks her what’s wrong and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”

    The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”

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  • Teresa Easter Alan

    Teresa Easter Alan

    Son: Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?

    Dad: because your mom loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter.

    Son: Thanks dad.

    Dad: No problem Alan.

  • She Had a Grant and She Blew It

    I hear Divine Brown has decided to take herself out of the downtown Hollywood life and get herself an education.

    She took up a psychology course at her local university, but alas, she had to drop out due to lack of funds. Well, she had a grant and she blew it.

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  • Roommate’s Setup: Nature Takes Its Course

    A certain virginal and shy college freshman was lucky to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate was quick to offer to set him up with a blonde who’d made the rounds of the campus.

    “Just take this bimbo out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course,” he explained reassuringly. “This girl knows what the score is, and she’s even a natural blonde.” The roommate arranged the date as promised.

    The freshman was delighted by his cute, outgoing companion and they spent the evening dining and dancing. On the way home he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in a cold sweat, and blurted out, “Gosh, I sure would love to have a little pussy.”

    “I would too,” sighed the blonde, “Mine’s the size of a goddamn milk pail.”

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  • Three Phases of the Male Life Cycle

    A young woman asks her mother, “Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?”

    The mother, surprised, answers, “Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, a man’s penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his sixties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

    “A Christmas tree?”

    “Yes. Dried up, and the balls are there only for decoration.”

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  • Three Stages of Breast Evolution

    A young man asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?”

    The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After sixty, they are like onions.”

    “Onions?”

    “Yes. See them, and they make you cry.”

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  • Stranded Beauty Finds Unexpected Farm Hospitality

    A beautiful young lady was a traveling sales person and her car broke down way out in the country. She checked the car as best she could but couldn’t find what was wrong. It was starting to get dark so she decided she had better find shelter for the night.

    She found a farm house a short distance up the road and knocked on the door. The farmer answered the door and asked her what she needed. She told the farmer that her car was broken down and she needed a place to stay for the night.

    The farmer told her he only had two bedrooms, he and his wife used one and their 18 year old son used the other. The farmer thought about it a minute and said my son went to town and won’t be home until late and he has a big bed anyhow if you want you can sleep in his bed tonight. She thought to herself, wow, 18 year old dick tonight, and said to the farmer that would be fine.

    After a nice supper they all went to bed. She took all of her clothes off and lay spread eagle on the bed waiting for the boy. About three in the morning the boy comes in, gets undressed and goes to bed. She waited a while, sure that he would be making advances, but nothing happened.

    After a little while she thought, well maybe he’s shy, so she said could you switch sides of the bed with me, thinking he may get her on the way over.

    He got up and walked around and got into the bed on the other side. She lay there a little longer and decided to try it again.

    Again, he got up and walked around and got into the bed on the other side. She figured there is only one way to make this hick understand, so she rolled over right on top of him and said, “OK now do you know what I want?”

    He said, “Yeah, you want the whole damn bed.”

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