Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • I Am Jesus Christ

    Two priests are walking down the street when a drunk comes up to them, falls onto one of them, and says, “I am Jesus Christ.”

    The priest, smelling the drunk, immediately pushes him off and says, “No, you are NOT Jesus Christ.”

    The drunk says, “Betcha I am. Follow me.” The priests look at one another before the drunk starts pulling one by the arm, dragging the priest into a corner pub.

    The drunk stumbles into the pub with the priests in tow, when the bartender shouts, “Jesus Christ, what are you doing back in here? I told you to leave!”

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  • Wayne’s Whore

    A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

    Little Wayne says, “I wanna start out as a fighter pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”

    The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Wayne, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

    “And how about you, Sarah?”

    “I wanna be Wayne’s whore.”

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  • Not a Match

    I was at a speed dating event, looking for a partner who can light my cigarette.

    The first candidate started telling me about how smoking is actually really bad for me.

    I told him that I appreciate his intention, but it’s not a match.

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  • Note to self: It’s not “boner-fide” opportunity. Follow-up note

    Note to self: It’s not “boner-fide” opportunity. Follow-up note to self: Who cares? I got the job!

  • I was putting on my shoes when my hands were full and I had to

    I was putting on my shoes when my hands were full and I had to sort of artfully slip my heel in several times until it felt just right. That’s when I thought to myself: This is a lot like fucking.

  • Sometimes when I’m in the shower, all hot, wet and naked,

    Sometimes when I’m in the shower, all hot, wet and naked, soaping up my breasts and having fun with the showerhead, I try and think of ways to incorporate that scene into a filthy Rumination. Unfortunately, no luck so far.

  • Okay, he got me for not wearing a seat belt. But I KNOW he saw

    Okay, he got me for not wearing a seat belt. But I KNOW he saw the stickshift condom, yet he still gave me a ticket for reckless driving, too.

  • There I was, about to impress this cute girl by signing an

    There I was, about to impress this cute girl by signing an important historical document, when this dude came in and John Hancock-blocked me.

  • Wal-Mart greeters told on me and got me fired

    Wal-Mart greeters told on me and got me fired.

  • I still remember the day in English Second Language class when

    I still remember the day in English Second Language class when we were asked to fill