Joke Type: bait and switch

Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

On the unrated DVD of “Home Alone,” Macaulay Culkin’s mom blows

On the unrated DVD of “Home Alone,” Macaulay Culkin’s mom blows John Candy and his polka buddies in exchange for a ride to Chicago.
Note to self: Don’t make a move unless you’ve heard the whole

Note to self: Don’t make a move unless you’ve heard the whole sentence. Imagine my embarrassment when everyone started shouting at me that she wasn’t inviting me to kiss her under the camel toe.
A friend used the term “life hack” in front of me today. No clue

A friend used the term “life hack” in front of me today. No clue what it means so I just nodded my head and said I agreed his mom is a cunt.
I have plenty of financial help to give to my ex. None of it

I have plenty of financial help to give to my ex. None of it involves another fucking dime of my own money, though.
In heaven, the guys’ dicks never pop out and the pussies never

In heaven, the guys’ dicks never pop out and the pussies never fart. It’s awesome.
Yoga mats aren’t designed to accommodate a guy’s balls. Remove

Yoga mats aren’t designed to accommodate a guy’s balls. Remove them and give them to the woman who brought you there for safe keeping.
I bet the reason the folks settled on the name “Tinder” was that

I bet the reason the folks settled on the name “Tinder” was that all the copyright attorneys got their panties twisted when they tried to use “Twatter.”
I tell people to have a nice fucking day, unless they’re one of

I tell people to have a nice fucking day, unless they’re one of my pornstar friends. Then I like to tell them to have a nice day fucking.
Regarding being accused of masturbating in the shower: I can

Regarding being accused of masturbating in the shower: I can tell you that the fact my wife’s conditioner looks like semen has bailed me out on more than one occasion.
During my sermon last Sunday, there was lots of screaming,

During my sermon last Sunday, there was lots of screaming, shitting and masturbating. Last time I preach to monkeys at the zoo.