Me, a kid with two gay dads thinking I’m immune to “Yo momma” jokes:
Yo momma so ugly, your dad had to get a husband
Joke Type: bait and switch
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
-
Jesus Invited Prostitutes to Dine With Him
Jesus invited prostitutes to dine with him and he’s the light of the world, I do it and I’m “making Thanksgiving awkward.”
-
Killing a Huge Mouse at Disneyland
Me: *Kills a huge mouse with a baseball bat*
Everyone else at Disneyland:
-
Why don’t boxers have sex the night before their match?
Why don’t boxers have sex the night before their match? Because they hate each other.
-
My Cousin Walter’s Pet Problem
A few months ago, my cousin Walter showed up at the emergency room with a cat lodged in his ass.
The family decided to write it off as a freak accident and agreed never to mention it again.
But a few days later, he was back in the hospital! Different cat. Same ass.
So yesterday, when I saw Walter at the pet store in the mall trying to buy another cat, I stopped him and said:
“Walter, every cat you buy ends up stuck in your ass. At this point, you have to admit the cats aren’t the problem.”
Walter sighed and replied:
“Okay, genius. How the hell do you suggest I get the gerbil out?”
-
Superman’s Superspeed Rooftop Encounter
Superman is flying over Metropolis on a hot summer day, coming home from a mission.
Suddenly in the distance he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a rooftop, completely nude. Superman thinks: “Man, she is so hot. I can fly down, fuck her with superspeed, and be back home with Lois in a few seconds without anyone noticing.”
So he speeds down there, does as planned and Wonder Woman only feels a rapid gush of wind and the building shaking.
“What on earth was that”, she stumbles.
The Invisible Man replies: “Fuck, I have no idea, but my ass suddenly hurts like hell!”
-
Lousy at Golf
This guy in his 50s goes to the doctor.
“What’s your daily activity level like?” the doctor asks.
“Why do you ask?”
“Well, a guy your age, probably not eating all that healthy, probably not getting that much exercise…”
The guy shrugs. “Yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake and outran a wild dog in the heavy brush.”
“Well, that sounds pretty good,” the doctor comments.
“That’s nothing,” the guy says. “The day before, I marched up and down several hills and outran a couple of bears.”
“That sounds really impressive.”
“And last weekend, I crawled out of quicksand, stood in a patch of poison ivy, and knocked down a small tree.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “it sounds like you’re one hell of an outdoorsman!”
“Nah,” the guy replies, “I’m just real lousy at golf.”
-
Balcony Popsicle Neighbourhood Watch
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
“An ambulance just drove by!”
“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike!”
“Looks like the Sandersons are moving!”
“Jason is on his skateboard!”
After a few moments he announced,
“The Coopers are having sex!!”
Startled, his mother and father shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
“How do you know they’re having sex?”
“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”
-
Elderly Couple Pulled Over by a Cop From Arkansas
An elderly couple driving get pulled over by a cop. The woman is behind the wheel, and is a bit hard of hearing.
The cop: “Ma’am, you were speeding.”
She turns to her husband: “What? What did he say?”
He shouts into her ear: “You were speeding!”
The cop: “Your license, please.”
Once again, she turns to her husband: “What did he say?”
He shouts even louder into her ear: “Give him your license!”
She hands it over.
The cop looks at it and says: “Oh, you’re from Arkansas. I remember being there once… and having the absolute worst sex of my life.”
The woman: “What? What did he say?”
The husband shouts into her ear: “He said he knows you!”
-
Lawyers Exchanging Sandwiches at a Restaurant
Two lawyers walk into a restaurant, sit down at a table, order coffee, and pull out their sandwiches.
An annoyed waitress rushes over and says, “Excuse me, you can’t eat your own food here!”
The lawyers look at her, then at each other, and exchange sandwiches.
