Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
A 95-year-old man went to see his doctor. He said, “Doc, I’m marrying a 25-year-old girl, and I need some Viagra for my wedding night.”
The doctor said, “I’ve got to warn you, as long as you’ve been celibate, that could prove to be fatal.”
The old man said, “Doc, if she dies, she dies.”
An old man was celebrating his 100th birthday with his family.
One of them asked him if he had any worries about his health and future, and he replied:
“I have no worries at all! Statistically, very few people die between their 100th and 101st birthday!”
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well, I know it’s more than six because my basement is still dark.
A sadist, zoophile, necrophile and masochist meet in a bar…
Sadist: “We should get ourselves a chicken and kill it!”
Zoophile: “We should get ourselves a chicken, have sex with it, and then kill it!”
Necrophile: “We should get ourselves a chicken, have sex with it, kill it, and then have sex with it again!”
Masochist: “BWAK BOK BOK BOK”
I convinced my wife to do a sexy role play with me where we pretend to be financial corporations.
She’s Intuit.
A perfectly triangular lake has three kingdoms along its three sides.
The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people.
The second kingdom is more humble, but still enjoys its fair share of wealth and influence.
The third kingdom is poor and struggling, with barely enough resources to maintain an army.
Eventually, the three kingdoms go to war over control of the lake, which has become a valuable resource.
The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armor money can buy, each accompanied by a personal squire.
The second kingdom sends 50 knights, equipped with fine leather armor and supported by several dozen squires of their own.
The third kingdom can only send a single knight — an elderly warrior long past his prime — along with his faithful squire.
The night before the great battle, the knights of the first kingdom drink and celebrate late into the night.
The knights of the second kingdom aren’t quite as wealthy, but they still have enough grog to keep the festivities going well into the evening.
In the third camp, things are much quieter. The squire takes a rope and throws it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose. He hangs a cooking pot from it, fills it with stew, and shares a humble dinner with the old knight.
The next morning, disaster strikes. The knights of the first two kingdoms are too hungover to fight. The old knight from the third kingdom is simply too old and weary to rise from his bed.
So instead, the squires from all three kingdoms march into battle.
The fighting lasts all day and well into the night. When the dust finally settles, only one squire remains standing: the squire from the third kingdom.
And that just goes to show you that: The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Why do riot police go to work so early?
To beat the crowd.
My favourite word is drool.
It just rolls off the tongue.
I was sitting down having a beer watching my wife mow the lawn, and this old lady came over and shouted at me, “You should be hung!”
I shouted back, “I am… that’s why she mows the lawn!”
