I was having dinner at my boss’s house…
…and his wife, serving up, said, “How many potatoes would you like?”
“I’ll just have two please,” I said.
“You don’t have to be polite,” she replied.
“Ok, I’ll just have two please, you stupid cow.”
Joke Type: bait and switch
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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The Golf Mulligan
A buddy of mine was in his residency as an ER doctor and his shift was just ending on a Saturday afternoon. As he was trying to walk out the door, he sees this old man in golf clothing dragging his unconscious wife into the ER.
She’s covered in blood from a head wound and my friend immediately starts looking her over right there in the lobby of the emergency room to find her wound.
Trying to remain calm he asks, “What happened here, sir?”
The husband is in a panic and totally exhausted from carrying her dead weight from the parking area, and is just stumbling over his words and rambling all over the place as he tries to explain.
“Well, me and my wife have been married for 35 years and every Saturday morning since our wedding day we’ve played a round of golf together. You see her dad was a local golf pro…”
“Sir, please try to focus here. How did your wife get injured?”
“Sorry. So I play from the men’s tees, she plays from the women’s tees, and she normally drops me off in the cart before heading over to her tee box, and waits for me to hit and then I walk over to her.”
“Sir!” My buddy’s getting frustrated, because he’s really struggling with the wound, there’s a lot of blood, and he’s working frantically at this point.
“I’m explaining it to you, son! So anyways she drops me off like always and I set up for my drive and I thinned it! I never thin it! Never! But, TODAY, I thinned it! Lo and behold that ball had eyes for my dear wife, Agnes’ head. I yell ‘Fore!’ but she wasn’t looking and boom! Straight to the back of her head!”
He just starts weeping at this point, clearly overcome by guilt.
Finally my buddy finds the cause of the bleeding but he’s confused.
“Sir, I actually see two injuries here.”
The old man dries his eyes, instantly gains his composure, and states matter of factly, “Well I had to take a mulligan.”
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A Quick 9 Holes
A guy and his wife had their 27th wedding anniversary last Sunday.
He said, “Honey, I made a reservation at your favorite restaurant, and have an awesome evening planned for the two of us. But would it be alright if I got in a quick 9 holes first?”
She replies, “Of course. Go have some fun!”
He goes to the golf course and decides to have a beer before teeing it up. A very attractive blonde comes up to him at the bar and says, “I’ve had my eye on you for years. Forget golf for today, chug your beer, and we’re going back to my place!”
She’s not going to take no for an answer, drags him back to her house, and screws his brains out!
The man, feeling extremely remorseful, decides that he has to tell his wife about his infidelity, and he returns home.
The GPS shows that his house is right around the corner from where he cheated on his wife, and he realizes that he just slept with his neighbor!
He walks through the door and tells his wife, “Honey, I have to tell you something. I didn’t end up playing golf today. I haven’t been faithful to you, and actually ended up sleeping with Jennifer from two streets away.”
His wife replied, “Bullshit! You rat bastard, you played 18 holes, didn’t you!”
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Still Under the Cart
While golfing, a guy accidentally overturns his golf cart in a tremendous crash.
A very attractive female golfer, who lives in a townhome overlooking the golf course, hears the crash and calls out, “Are you okay?”
“I’m okay, thanks,” says the guy, as he pulls himself from the twisted golf cart wreck.
She says, “Come up to my home, you can recover for a bit, and I’ll help you with the golf cart later.”
Even being a bit dizzy, the guy couldn’t help but notice that her bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be an amazing figure.
“That’s mighty nice of you,” he answers, “but I really don’t think my wife would approve.”
“Oh, come on now,” she insists.
She was so pretty, so very persuasive, and the guy was so relatively dazed!
“Well okay, but I’m quite sure my wife won’t be happy with me.”
After a couple of gin and tonics, he thanks her and says, “I feel a lot better, and I know that my wife is going to be really upset, so I’d best leave now.”
“Don’t be silly!” she said with a coquettish smile, letting her robe fall even slightly more open. “Stay for a while. She won’t know a thing, we can have another drink.” Then she asks, by the way, “Where is she, anyway?”
The guy replies, “Probably still under the cart, if I were to bet.”
