Joke Type: bait and switch

Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Grandpa in the Hospital

    A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital.

    “How are you, grandpa?” he asks.

    “Feeling fine,” says the old man.

    “What’s the food like?”

    “Terrific, wonderful menus.”

    “And nursing?”

    “Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”

    “What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”

    “No problem at all — nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet… and that’s it. I go out like a light.”

    The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

    “What are you people doing?” he says. “I’m told you’re giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”

    “Oh, yes,” replies the Sister. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”

  • The Search Party and the Well

    Little Anne Patterson had been missing for three days now and things were looking grim.

    The family lived on the edge of an old forest, made famous by its ability to cause even the most seasoned hiker to lose their way. There was something labyrinthian about that woodland.

    Anne was told never to go out into the forest, but curiosity often proved stronger than her better judgment. She had ventured into the wood on more than one occasion, but in each of these instances, her father was able to get a hold of her before she got too far.

    This time was different.

    A search party had been assembled, combing the Patterson’s vast property.

    In the days since her disappearance, the group had trudged through 10 square miles of wilderness. There was no sign of her until they came across one of her mittens. The second was found 50 feet to the west of the first.

    So they continued west through the densest section of forest yet and eventually came to a clearing with an ancient well in the center.

    A quiet fell among the party as they realized what had likely happened here.

    After a few minutes of tense stasis, the lead detective on the investigation stepped forward to take a look down the well.

    He put his hands on the cold, moldy brick that made up the well’s outer rim and peered over into the abyss.

    He could see nothing.

    “Anne?” he yelled down, hoping he would hear her voice in response. But the only reply was his own echo.

    He turned around and faced Anne’s father, Greg.

    “I yelled down the well to see if she’d reply, but there was no Anne, sir.”

  • The Early Return and the Generous Man

    A guy flies home a day early from a business trip. He takes a cab home, and then tells the cabby, “I think my wife is having an affair. I’ll give you an extra hundred bucks if you come in to be my witness.” The cabby agrees.

    They sneak in, go up to the bedroom, and pull the covers off the bed. Sure enough, the guy’s wife is in bed banging another man.

    The husband pulls out a gun and aims at the guy. Before he can shoot, the wife shouts, “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the car I bought for you. He paid for our new boat. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”

    As the husband stands there in shock, the cabby asks, “What are you gonna do?”

    And the husband says, “I’m gonna cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

  • Perfect for Fixing a Hot Dog

    Did you know that if your dog is running a fever, you’re supposed to give them ketchup?

    Apparently it’s perfect for fixing a hot dog!

  • The Two Kids in the Hospital

    Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.

    The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

    The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

    The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

    The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

    The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

    The second kid says, “Whoa, good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.”

  • Pillsbury Funerals Cremation Services

    Pillsbury Funerals Cremation Services

    Nothing says lovin’ like something warm from the oven lol…. Woohoo

  • Little Johnny at the Rodeo

    Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mum and dad…

    Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull’s cock flopping around beneath his belly.

    “Mummy, mummy! What’s that long thing beneath the bull’s belly!?” Johnny asks, pointing.

    Embarrassed, his mum looks away and mutters, “Oh, don’t worry about that, Johnny. That’s nothing.”

    Dad comes back and mum goes off to use the washroom.

    Once mummy is gone, Little Johnny asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing beneath the bull’s belly?”

    “That’s the bull’s cock, son,” his dad answers. “He uses it to mount and make love to a cow.”

    “But mummy said it was nothing!” Johnny replied.

    Dad leans back with his hand behind his head and takes a sip of his beer.

    “Son… I’ve spoiled that woman…”

  • The Hearing Aids and the Will

    An elderly gentleman had suffered from serious hearing problems for years.

    He finally went to a doctor and was fitted with a set of excellent hearing aids.

    A month later, he returned for a checkup.

    The doctor smiled and said, “Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be thrilled that you can hear again.”

    The old man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit there quietly and listen to their conversations.”

    He smiled and added, “I’ve changed my will three times already.”

  • One Word or Spread Apart

    Is buttcheeks one word or should I spread them apart?

  • The Genie, the Pianist, and the Million Ducks

    A guy walks into a bar carrying a briefcase and an old brass lamp.

    He sits down and sets both on the bar.

    The bartender pours him a drink and asks, “What’s in the briefcase?”

    The man opens it to reveal a tiny man sitting at a piano, playing beautifully.

    “Where on earth did you get that?” the bartender asks.

    The man points to the lamp. “A genie. He granted me a wish.”

    “No way,” says the bartender. “Can I try?”

    “Be my guest.”

    The bartender rubs the lamp, and out pops a genie.

    “What is your wish?” asks the genie.

    The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “I want a million bucks!”

    The genie claps his hands.

    Instantly, the bar is filled with a million ducks.

    Ducks are everywhere. On the tables, behind the bar, hanging from the light fixtures.

    The bartender stares in disbelief.

    “What’s wrong with this genie?” he shouts. “He must be hard of hearing!”

    The man takes a sip of his drink and says, “You think? Do you really believe I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”