Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
An old Australian farmer marries the beautiful twenty-year-old daughter of a neighbouring farmer. After a week or two of regular sex, the farmer can’t seem to make the young woman climax. There is no doctor in the nearby town so he goes to visit the veterinarian and explains the situation.
Sister Sally goes into the liquor store and asks for a pint of gin.
The clerk is taken aback. “Sister. What are you doing buying such a thing?”
“It’s okay,” replied Sister Sally. “It’s for the Mother Superior’s constipation.”
“Oh well then that’s okay.” And he sells her the gin.
After he closes up shop, he’s walking home and sees Sister Sally on the park bench absolutely blotto, just sloppy and singing bawdy songs and making a spectacle of herself.
“Sister!” he cried. “I thought you said the gin was for the Mother Superior’s constipation!”
“It is,” replied the Sister. “When she sees me like this she’s gonna shit!”
Two elderly Jews, Abe and Solomon, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons, and talking about baseball, like they do every single day.
Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”
Sol thinks about this for a minute, and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal: If I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you can do the same for me.”
They shake on it, and sadly, a couple of months later, Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol…”
Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, “So… Is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe, “there’s good news, and there’s bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.
Abe says, “Well, I can tell you that there IS baseball in heaven!”
Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that???”
Abe sighs sadly, and whispers, “You’re pitching for us on Friday…”
I’ve just been pulled over by a police officer. He saw my license and said I’m supposed to be wearing glasses. I said I have contacts.
He said he didn’t care who I knew.
I grilled a chicken for two hours…
Still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.
Decided to quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money!
I should be home in time for dinner.
