Joke Type: bait and switch

Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Boss and the Thousand Dollars

    A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have sex with you. I’ll make it very fast. I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor. By the time you bend down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”

    She thought about it for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.

    Her boyfriend replied, “Go for it, but ask him for $2,000 instead. Pick up the money as fast as you can—he won’t even have time to undress himself.”

    So she agreed.

    Half an hour later, the boyfriend called her back.

    “What happened?” he asked.

    She replied, “That bastard used coins… I’m still picking them up, and he’s still going!”

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  • Tom and the Alaskan Party

    After 25 years in the liquor business, Tom quits, buys 50 acres in remote Alaska, and lives in total peace with no visitors for six months.

    One day, there’s a knock. A huge, bearded man says, “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from 40 miles up the road. Having a party Friday at 5. You should come.”

    “Sounds great,” says Tom.

    Lars starts to leave, then adds, “Gonna be some drinkin’.”

    “No problem—I can handle that.”

    “Probably some fightin’, too.”

    “I get along with folks—I’ll be fine.”

    “Maybe some wild sex, too.”

    “Even better!” Tom grins. “What should I wear?”

    Lars shrugs. “Don’t matter… just gonna be the two of us.”

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  • The Produce Boy From Canada

    A man walks into the produce section of his local supermarket and asks to purchase half a head of lettuce. The boy working in the department tells him that lettuce is only sold in whole heads.

    Frustrated, the man insists the boy ask his manager about the matter.

    Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.” And as he finishes his sentence, he turns to see the man standing right behind him, so he quickly adds, “and this kind gentleman offered to buy the other half.”

    The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

    An hour later, the manager finds the boy in the store and says, “I saw what you did there and was really impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

    “I’m from Canada, sir,” the boy replies.

    “Why did you leave Canada for here?” the manager asks.

    The boy sarcastically responds, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”

    “Oh really,” says the manager, “my wife is from Canada!”

    The boy quickly replies, “No shit, who’d she play for?”

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  • Marge and Mildred at the Wheel

    After sharing a bottle of wine, Marge and Diane were driving home. Both short, they could barely see over the dashboard.

    Soon, they came to an intersection. The light was red, but they drove straight through.

    The woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing it. I could’ve sworn that was a red light.”

    A minute later, another red light—and they drove through it. At the next red light, they drove right through again!

    She turned to her friend and said, “Mildred, did you know we just ran three red lights?! You could have killed us!”

    Mildred looked over and said, “Oh geez… am I driving?”

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  • Billy Ray and Bubba at the Bar

    Billy Ray and Bubba walked into a bar and ordered a couple of drinks. Then they took sandwiches from paper bags they had brought from home and began to eat.

    Seeing this, the angry bar owner approached them and says, “Excuse me, you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!”

    Billy Ray and Bubba looked at each other, shrugged, and exchanged sandwiches.

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  • Adam and the Cost of a Mate

    After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”

    God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always, and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.”

    Adam thought for a second and said, “That’s a bit steep, what can I get for a rib?”

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  • The Genie and the Two Wishes

    A guy finds an old lamp in the desert. He rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie tells the guy he has two wishes.

    The guy says, “I always thought it was three wishes.”

    The genie says, “Check your pants.”

    The guy looks down and says, “Woah, it’s huge!”

    And the genie says, “I’ve been doing this for a long time.”

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  • The Five Penguins in the Back Seat

    Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat.

    Attendant says, “WTF — you have 5 penguins in your back seat.”

    “I KNOW!” the guy says. “They jumped in at the light, and now I don’t know what to do.”

    Attendant thinks for a second and says, “I’ll tell you what I’d do — I’d take them to the zoo.”

    “That’s a great idea!” says the driver.

    A week later, same driver pulls in with the same 5 penguins, only now they’re wearing sunglasses.

    “What are you doing — I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!” exclaims the attendant.

    “We did go! We had a great time! Today we’re going to the beach!”

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