If you came here expecting me to drop some awesome Star Wars puns today…
I’m afraid you’re looking in Alderaan places.
Joke Type: bait and switch
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Seeing Someone on the Side
My buddy used to date a cross-eyed girl until he found out she was seeing someone on the side.
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The Silent Debate
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Jews must convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.
The Jewish community protested, so the Pope offered a deal: he would have a religious debate with a representative of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay. If the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave.
The Jewish community chose an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them.
However, since the Rabbi spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed to conduct a silent debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat across from each other.
The Pope raised his hand and held up three fingers.
The Rabbi responded by holding up one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger in a circle around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi reached into his bag and pulled out an apple.
At that, the Pope stood up and declared himself defeated. The Rabbi, he said, was too clever.
The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later, the cardinals gathered and asked the Pope what had happened.
The Pope said, “First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded with one finger to remind me that there is only one God shared by both our beliefs.
Then I circled my finger around my head to show that God is everywhere. He pointed to the ground to show that God is also right here with us.
Finally, I presented the wine and wafer to represent salvation. He produced an apple to remind me of original sin. He bested me at every turn, and I could not continue.”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered around the Rabbi and asked how he had won.
“I don’t have a clue,” the Rabbi said.
“First, he told me we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here.”
“And then what?” someone asked.
“I don’t know,” said the Rabbi. “He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!”
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The Moth Exterminator
A man is banging a married woman when suddenly they hear the front door slam. “It’s my husband, hide in the bathroom!” says the woman frantically.
The man runs into the bathroom just as the husband enters the bedroom. “Honey, why are you naked?” he asks.
“I was waiting for you, dear,” she says.
The husband walks into the bathroom and sees a naked man standing there, poking the ceiling with the toilet plunger. “Who the hell are you?” the husband yells.
“The moth exterminator,” says the naked man.
“Why the hell are you naked?” shouts the husband.
The naked man looks down, jumps back in shock, and yells, “Those sneaky little bastards!”
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The Holy Water Fountain
Father Rick has lately gotten news that some of the Sisters had been naughty, and he decided to take action. He gathered the Nuns and made them line up in front of the church’s courtyard fountain of holy water.
“Now sisters. I understand that desire can be strong. But today you wash away your sins. You name your sin and wash it away with the holy water.”
The first nun in line admits to having peeked and stared at a penis, so she washes her eyes with the holy water. The second nun admitted to having touched a penis, so she washes her hand in the holy water…
Then, suddenly, Sister Clarice starts bumping all the other nuns to get to the front of the line.
“Sister, sister, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but everybody will get their turn.”
“Well, I’ll tell you what, Father. If I must gargle this holy water, I’m sure going to do it before Sister Marie dunks her ass in it!”
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Password Rejected
A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘penis.’ Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!
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Saturday Night With Ned
My neighbor Ned cornered me in the driveway and grinned like a maniac.
“Oi, come over Saturday night, mate. It’s gonna be mental — bit of drinking, bit of fighting, bit of fucking!”
I lit up. “Hell yeah! What time?”
Ned shrugged, still smiling.
“Don’t matter. It’ll just be you and me.”
