Joke Type: bait and switch

Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Im Monica

    A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through — don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”

    Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry — only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out.”

    When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, “Monica, we’ll be through this checkout stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

    The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began.

    The mother replied, “I’m Monica — my little girl’s name is Tammy.”

  • Climb the Fucking Walls

    The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”

    The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that my dear?” she asked.

    The little boy replied, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the fucking walls if you came to visit us again.”

  • Pretend Im Not Home

    My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for advice.

    Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, “What should I feed Lily for lunch?”

    “That’s up to you,” I replied. “There’s all kinds of food. Why don’t you pretend I’m not at home?”

    A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband asking, “Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh… what should I feed Lily for lunch?”

  • A Couple of Secs

    A little girl runs out to the back-yard where her father is working, and asks him, “Daddy, what’s sex?”

    So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc…. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams. He thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.

    He describes masturbation, rape, pedophilia, homosexuality, sex toys, etc., etc. The girl is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, “So what did you want to know about sex for?”

    “Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs…”

  • If Those Useless Cocksuckers at the Lumber Yard

    A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

    The young family’s 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

    They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take her dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

    When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, “I’ve been working with a crew building a house all week.”

    “My goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week too?”

    “I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fucking wood,” replied the little girl.

  • Bet Your Ass Its Not Cheerios

    There are two little brothers, one is seven and the other is four. The seven year old convinces the four year old that they are old enough to swear now. He tells the four year old, “When we go downstairs, I will say, ‘Hell’ and you say ‘ass’.”

    The four year old agrees. When they get downstairs, the mother asks the seven year old, “What do you want for breakfast?”

    Seven year old, “Oh, hell, I’ll just have some Cheerios.”

    Well, mother slaps the crap out of him and sends him to his room.

    Then, she turns to the four year old — “What do you want for breakfast?”

    The four year old is wide-eyed and says, “I’m not sure, but you can bet your ass it’s not going to be Cheerios!”

  • What Fucking Trip

    Delta Airlines introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.

    Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

    The results were mixed. On the positive side, 96% of the surveys were returned — by far the highest in the history of such surveys.

    On the negative side, virtually all of the returned surveys contained only one short sentence: “What fucking trip???”

  • Standing on It

    Teacher to Little Johnny: “You’re late again. What’s your excuse today, Johnny?”

    LJ: “There was a man outside who lost a hundred dollar bill.”

    Teacher: “Oh… so you were helping him find it? That’s very nice of you, Johnny.”

    LJ: “Well, not really… I was standing on it.”

  • My Husbands Home

    Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”

    The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”

    Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work… Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”