Joke Type: dark humor

Dark humor jokes, grim punchlines, and comedy from the questionable end of the emotional buffet from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Well the One I Fucked Did

    Well the One I Fucked Did

  • Heavenly Lines and Unholy Punchlines

    An old Jewish man dies and is waiting in line at the pearly gates.

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    The line is very long. He says out loud, “Oy, what’s with the holdup? The last time I was in a line this long, it was at Auschwitz. And at least then there was the promise of a shower at the end!”

    God appears from the clouds and says, “I do not like that joke.”

    The man shrugs and says, “Oy, I guess you just had to be there.”

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  • Never Forget: A Witty Reminder

    Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    9/11.
    9/11 who?
    You said you’d never forget!!!

  • Two hunters

    Two hunters were out in the woods when one of them suddenly collapsed.

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    The other grabbed his phone, called emergency services, and yelled, “Help! We were out hunting, and I think my buddy’s dead! What do I do?!”

    The operator said calmly, “All right, sir. First, make sure he’s dead.”

    There was a pause… then two gunshots.

    The hunter came back on the line and said, “Okay — now what?”

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  • The last soup

    As the dingy, small restaurant is about to close, a customer rushed through the door and said: “Please, I am starving, I will order anything you have or anything easy to make. Plus a soup.”

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    The waiter replied: “Sure, we have some rotisserie chicken that we can bring to you, but we are all out of soup.” Pointing to the corner of the restaurant, he said, “That gentleman ordered the last one.”

    The last customer then noticed a lone, sad looking man sitting at a small table with his head down, with a full bowl of soup in front of him. After contemplating a bit, he asked in a gentle voice: “Sir, I noticed that you have not eaten your soup. If you don’t mind, may I have it?”

    The sad man silently moved the dish with bowl of soup and soup spoon towards the direction of the last customer.

    “Thank you, thank you!” the last customer took the soup back to his table and started eagerly eating it… until he noticed the dead rat at bottom of the bowl.

    Totally disgusted by what he saw and ate, he vomited violently, back into the bowl. finally, after he calmed down, wiped tears off his eyes and dabbed the corner of his mouth with a napkin, he noticed the sad man looking mournfully at him.

    “I know, that’s what I did too.” The sad man said.

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  • Commissioned mural

    A wealthy man commissioned an artist to paint a mural depicting General Custer’s last words at the Battle of the Little Bighorn. He told the artist he’d have complete creative freedom on how to present the scene.

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    Weeks passed, and finally the day came for the man to see the finished mural. He entered the room, full of expectation — and stopped dead in his tracks.

    The mural showed a large blue fish with a halo, floating above a horde of Native Americans engaged in wild sex on a hillside below.

    “What the hell is this?” the man shouted. “That’s not what I asked for!”

    “Oh, but it is,” said the artist. “It captures the true last words of General Custer. I figured they were: ‘Holy mackerel, look at all those fucking Indians!”

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  • Half a Worm: The Ultimate Disappointment!

    What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
    Finding half a worm.

  • Princess No More: An Alliance in Love

    My last girlfriend demanded to be treated as a princess.
    Boy was she mad when I married her off to secure an alliance with France.

  • Clowning Around with Cannibal Comedy

    Two clowns are eating a cannibal.
    One turns to the other and says, “Hey, I think we got the joke wrong.”

  • Cheese Wheel Tragedy: A Wedding Day Disaster

    A wedding photographer was today tragically crushed by a 200lb wheel of cheese that fell off the catering truck.
    The guests all tried to warn him.