Joke Type: dialogue

Dialogue jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Jacket On The Golf Course

    Two guys were playing a round of golf. As they finished one hole and headed for the next, one of them realized he’d left his jacket back at the previous one.

    “Hang on a sec,” he said to his buddy. “I’ll just run back and get it.”

    As he approached the previous hole, he noticed two women about to tee off. Suddenly, he stopped, turned around, and headed back toward where his buddy was waiting.

    “Holy hell! That could have been awkward! That was my wife and mistress back there!”

    “Good Lord!” says his buddy. “That could have ended badly! No problem, I’ll run back and get it for you.”

    Like the first guy, he got halfway to the previous tee, turned around, and headed back.

    Reaching his buddy, he looked somewhat flustered and said, “Small world, isn’t it?”

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  • The Professor’s Lecture

    A professor was preparing for his lecture course at the start of the semester.

    On the first day, he got to the lecture hall five minutes early to drop off his hat. He then left to pick up some things from his office, then went back to the lecture hall to start class.

    But when he got back, he was surprised to see that many of the students who were there when he dropped off his coat and hat had left. Afterwards, he sent out an email to the entire class asking why the students left.

    One student replied, “We saw you drop off your hat and then leave. So we thought you left for good, and the lecture was cancelled.”

    Annoyed, the professor emailed the students, “When a person has left their hat, please assume that the person is still in the room!”

    The next day, he walked into the lecture hall to find it empty, but with the students’ hats on each chair.

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  • Three Brothers At Clown College

    Three brothers lose their jobs and decide to go to clown college.

    When they get back six months later, their wives are having lunch and talking about their husbands’ new careers.

    The first woman says, “Ever since my husband got back from clown college, he’s been pranking me!” She pulls out a small flower and sets it on the table, where it squirts water at her. She says the worst part is that he honks his stupid red nose every time he pulls a prank.

    The second woman takes out a box of tissues and pulls on one, but the tissues just keep coming and coming. She says her husband also honks that ridiculous red nose every time he pulls a prank.

    They both turn to the third woman and ask, “So, has your husband pranked you?”

    “Not exactly,” she answers, blushing. She turns, crosses her legs, and … HONK!

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  • A Wedding At The Old Age Home

    An elderly widower and an elderly widow meet in the old age home and decide to get married.

    The house doctor gives them a checkup first.

    After examining the widow, he calls the widower in and confides in him:

    “Be gentle on your wedding night. Your fiancée has acute angina.”

    The widower says, “YOU’LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP, MY HEARING ISN’T SO GOOD.”

    So the doctor yells, “I SAID SHE HAS ACUTE ANGINA!”

    The widower responds, “YOU’RE DARN TOOTING SHE DOES! AND HER TITS AIN’T BAD EITHER!”

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  • The Annual Checkup

    When an elderly couple went in for their annual checkup, the wife stayed in the waiting room while her husband went in to be examined. The doctor, kibitzing with him, said, “Sam, how is your sex life?”

    “I’ll tell you the truth,” replied Sam. “The first time is great. But the second time I start to sweat something terrible.”

    The doctor said, “Just a second. The second time? At your age? At eighty-five? That’s remarkable.” He excused himself and went out to Sam’s wife in the waiting room.

    “Ma’am, I have to ask you this. I was asking your husband how his sex life is, and he said the first time was great, but the second time he starts to sweat something terrible.”

    “He wouldn’t lie to you,” responded the old woman. “In January, it’s cold. In July, it’s hot.”

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  • The Pianist At The Party

    A man at a party was impressed by the pianist. He went up to him after everyone was leaving and asked if he would play at his own gathering the next weekend. The pianist obliged.

    When he began playing at the man’s party, however, the pianist sounded much worse than the previous weekend. Sensing this was agitating his guests, the man pulled him aside.

    ‘What’s going on? You sounded so good last week, but this is terrible!’ the man exclaimed.

    ‘I’m really sorry,’ the pianist replied. ‘It’s just that I really need to go to the bathroom.’

    ‘For God’s sake, alright, go quickly, and when you get back try and play something everyone likes!’ the man said.

    About twenty minutes passed, and the pianist returned. He sat down at the piano and cracked his knuckles. Everyone at the party turned to look at him.

    ‘Any requests?’ the pianist asked.

    One of the guests raised his hand.

    ‘Do you know you have shit-stained toilet paper hanging out the back of your trousers?’

    ‘No…’ the pianist replied, ‘but if you hum it, I’ll give it a go!’

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  • Luigi’s Work Around Town

    Luigi is taking his new apprentice through town, showing him all he’s done. They start at a lovely bridge that spans a river. The craftsman points, “Luigi did this service for the town. Luigi chose strong timbers for the span, made sure all was sound and secure. Do they call me Luigi the Bridge Maker? No!”

    They went to the docks, where Luigi pointed to the ships. “Luigi laid these keels, squared timbers, and made sure boards fit perfect. Do they call me Luigi the Shipwright? No!”

    Finally, they went to a little shop where furniture was sold. “Luigi crafted these tables and set the joints that they might serve a family for generations. Do they call me Luigi the Carpenter? No!”

    “But you fuck ONE goat…”

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  • Picking A Good Jury

    A farmer was getting sucked off by his goat when a group of bicyclists passed by. In shock, they went to the chief of police, and he was charged with a felony.

    There was a good lawyer in town, but he was much too expensive. Another lawyer did not have the qualifications of the expensive one, but had a reputation for being able to pick a good jury.

    As his lawyer fumbled through the trial, the farmer cringed as one after another of the witnesses gave damning testimony against him, and the jury focused intently. He thought he was going to be convicted for sure.

    Then, during a pause in the testimony, he heard one juror whisper to another, “A good goat will do that for you.”

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  • A Trip To Australia

    An elderly British couple rents a car in Australia. They return furious after seeing a man having sex with a kangaroo and a one-legged man masturbating.

    The rental clerk says, “Please understand, it is very difficult for a one-legged man to be able to catch a ‘roo.”

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  • The Captain’s Intercom

    A Boeing 777 encounters heavy turbulence. The captain tells the passengers the worst is behind them, but forgets to switch off the intercom.

    He turns to his co-pilot and says, “Phew, that was exhausting. I could use a hot coffee and a blowjob right now.”

    As the head stewardess rushes toward the cockpit, a passenger calls after her, “Don’t forget the coffee!”

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