Wife: Babe you know if you die, I’m definitely coming with you.
Husband: I can’t even rest in peace.
Joke Type: dialogue
Dialogue jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Is That All You People Think About
Two elderly Jewish men are strolling down the street one day, when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, “Convert to Catholicism and get $50.”
Murray stops and stares at the sign. Abe turns to him and says, “Murray, what’s going on?”
“Abe,” replies Murray, “I’m thinking of doing it.”
Abe says, “What are you, crazy?”
Murray thinks for a minute and says, “Abe, I’m going to do it.”
With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.
“So,” asks Abe, “did you convert?”
“Yes I did,” says Murray.
“Did you get your fifty dollars?” asks Abe.
And Murray says, “Is that all you people think about?”
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Social Security Kind
Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break.
Nina asks, “So, Liz, how’s your sex life these days?”
Liz replies, “Oh, you know. It’s the usual, Social Security kind.”
“Social Security?” Nina asked quizzically.
“Yeah, you get a little each month, but it’s not enough to live on.”
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Five Million Dollar Savings Account
A man walks into a bank.
Goes up to the teller and says, “I’d like to open a damn savings account.”
The teller says, “Sir, I’d be happy to help you, but this is a place of business — you can’t swear here.”
The man replies, “I don’t care, just let me open a damn savings account.”
The teller says, “Sir, that’s just inappropriate. If you keep talking to me that way I’ll have to get the manager.”
The man says, “Why won’t you just open the damn savings account?”
So the teller goes and gets the manager — he comes out and says, “Alright sir, I understand you’re swearing at my employee — what seems to be the problem here?”
The man says, “I don’t have a problem — I just won 5 million dollars in the lottery and I want to open up a damn savings account!”
The manager looks at the teller and back at the man and says, “And this motherfucker wouldn’t let you?”
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Robin Hood Strength
Robin Hood: *Gives stolen gold to little boy*
Little Kid: Thank you I’m rich now!
Robin Hood:
I know what I have to do but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.
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Broken Condoms Couch
Him: Why are broken condoms on the couch?
Her: Would you PLEASE start using our children’s real names?
