Dentist: When was the last time you flossed?
Me: Bro, you were THERE.
Joke Type: dialogue
Dialogue jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Holy Spirit Strangling Hookers
“Wooooo… I am the Holy Spirit! What you are doing is a SIN!”
“Nonsense—masturbation is healthy and natural.”
“No, I meant strangling hookers.”
“Oh, right. Tbat.”
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It Looks Like You’re Pregnant
it looks like you’re pregnant
I’m pregnant?!
No, but it looks like you are.
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No Shit
Immediately after mass one Sunday morning, a man stops to shake the preacher’s hand. “That was a goddamned fine sermon you gave today,” the man tells the preacher. “Goddamned fine!”
“Thank you, sir,” the preacher answers, “but I’d rather you didn’t use that kind of foul, blasphemous language in the Lord’s house.”
“You know, I was so goddamned impressed with that fucking sermon that I put $5,000 in the goddamned offering plate!” says the man.
And the preacher says, “No shit!”
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The Golfing Widower
Jim and Bob are golfing together on a Sunday morning. They’re both on the green, which is near a county highway.
As Jim lines up his putt, a funeral procession goes by on the highway. Jim immediately stops, takes off his hat and bows his head.
Bob is impressed. “Wow, Jim. That’s really a profound sign of respect. I’m impressed.”
Jim answers, “Well, Bob. We were married for 41 years. It’s the least I could do.”
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First Day as a Cop
[First day as a cop]
Me: Suspect is dancing naked through downtown
Dispatch: Copy that
Me: I’ll try but i’m not much of a dancer
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Stacy Took My Virginity
[GUY]-“Stacy took my virginity last night!”
[FRIEND]-“Isn’t Stacy mentally retarded?”
[GUY]-“i wanted my first time to be special.”
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Tigers and Meth I’m In
Joe: Wanna marry me?
Me: Nah, im straight
Joe: I got tigers and meth
Me: You son of a bitch, I’m in!
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God Creating Mushrooms
Das Skoogeth @Skoogeth
[god creating mushrooms]
god: some go on pizzas
angel: ooo tasty
god: some make you trip balls
angel: um
god: and some just fucking kill you
angel: you ok buddy?
