Joke Type: dialogue

Dialogue jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Legendary Size: Mr. Rutledge’s Final Surprise!

    Old Mr. Rutledge died peacefully in his sleep and was taken to the morgue.

    While fixing him up for the funeral, the mortician naturally got a look at the old dead man naked.

    He was so awestruck at the size of Rutledge’s penis that he called his assistant in.

    “Wow, good on you, Mr. Rutledge! That thing’s gotta be the size of a baseball bat!” the assistant commented.

    Later that night, the mortician commented to his wife, “I worked on the body of an old man today. I swear what he was packing was the size of a baseball bat!”

    His wife’s eyes widened and she said, “Mr. Rutledge died?”

  • Johnny’s Alphabetic Twist!

    Teacher: “Johnny, give me a sentence with an ‘I’ in it.”

    Johnny: “I is…”

    Teacher: “No, Johnny, when you say ‘I,’ it should be followed by ‘am.’”

    Johnny: “Okay, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

  • Paradise Misunderstood: A Global Perspective

    A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

    The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says, “They look so calm—they must be British!”

    The Frenchman responds, “No, no! They’re naked, so beautiful—they must be French!”

    The Russian says, “They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise? …They’re clearly Russian!”

  • Prepared for College: Life’s Surprises Ahead!

    A young lad is on his way to college. His dad takes him aside and says, “Son, in college you are going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the pharmacist.”

    The lad says, “Don’t worry, Dad. I have condoms.”

    His dad says, “Not condoms. I got you some anti-depressants.”

  • Buzz Off: A Businessman’s Bee Dilemma!

    A businessman wants to buy a farmhouse.

    After discussing the price and coming to common ground on the terms, they shake hands, and the property is practically sold.

    As they do a final walkthrough of the land, the businessman notices a beehive on the property and says, “Please, this needs to be removed—or take them with you. They could sting; it’s dangerous.”

    The farmer answers, “They’ve never stung me once since they’ve been here. I’ve never had any problems with them. I understand that you’re afraid, though, so let’s do it like this: I’ll tie you to this tree right here and leave you here butt naked overnight. If any bee stings you, I’ll give you my property for free.”

    They agree on those terms and shake hands again.

    The next morning, the farmer checks on the businessman and finds him all dried up, skinny, pale, eyes rolled back, and barely holding himself up.

    The farmer is shocked at the sight and says, “I want to apologize. This was a terrible idea. They never stung me or anyone who ever came by. Tell me, how many stung you?”

    The businessman, barely speaking, says, “None… but tell me, does that calf of yours not have a mother?”

  • Unexpected Truths: A Lesson in Stupidity

    A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger banging his wife.
    The guy says, “Hey! What the hell is going on here!?!”

    And his wife says to the stranger, “See? I told you he was stupid!”

  • Dirty Pictures Reveal True Desires!

    A guy goes to the psychiatrist and the doctor orders a Rorschach test.

    He shows his patient the first inkblot and asks what he sees. The reply: “Sex.”

    Second inkblot, same question. The reply: “Sex.” Third time around, same thing.

    The doctor says, “All you have on your mind is sex.”

    The patient replies, “Well, of course I do, because you keep showing me those dirty pictures.”