Dialogue jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
“Doctor, how is he?”
“Well, he’s had a massive heart attack, and also sustained some bone fractures.”
“Can I talk to him?”
“No, unfortunately, that’s not possible right now. But if you want to tell him anything, I can pass it along.”
“Could you ask him if I passed my driving test?”
A doctor says grimly to a patient, “You are a very sick man. You’ve been diagnosed with covid, monkey pox, swine flu, Ebola, and bubonic plague all at the same time.”
“Is there anything that can be done to help me?” asks the patient.
“Amazingly, there is though it may be touch and go,” says the doctor nervously. “First, we’ll put you in a private room where you’ll have everything you need to be as relaxed and comfortable as possible. Next, we’ll put you on a diet of pancakes, pizza and flounder.”
“Okay…” says the patient, “But why pancakes, pizza and flounder?”
“Because,” the doctor says, “That’s the only food we can push under your door.”
A young man walks into a supermarket and buys a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste, a loaf of bread, a container of milk, two boxes of cereal and a frozen dinner.
The girl at the cash register looks at him and says “Single, huh?”
The man replies very sarcastically, “How did you guess?”
She replies, “because you’re ugly.”
A man visits his dermatologist because his skin has become strangely pink and rubbery, like a ham. It’s like this all over his body.
The doctor asks him if he has any clue what could have caused this change, and the man admits that he recently tried out a hygiene tip he read about online: rubbing salt all over himself and sleeping while covered in it.
The man says “Surely there’s some way to fix this before it gets any worse?”
The doctor just says “You’re already cured.”
A female third-grade teacher was having a problem with Little Johnny in her class.
Little Johnny said, “Teacher, I should be in Grade 4. I’m smarter than my sister, and she’s in Grade 4.”
The teacher had heard enough and took him to the principal.
The principal decided to test Little Johnny with some Grade 4 questions.
Principal: “What is 3+3?”
Little Johnny: “6.”
Principal: “6+6?”
Little Johnny: “12.”
Little Johnny got all the questions right, so the principal told the teacher to send him to Grade 4 immediately.
The teacher decided to ask her own questions, and the principal agreed.
Teacher: “What does a cow have four of that I have only two?”
Little Johnny: “Legs.”
Teacher: “What is in your trousers that I don’t have?”
Little Johnny: “Pockets.”
Teacher: “What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Little Johnny: “Coconut.”
Teacher: “What goes in hard, then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes opened wide, but before he could stop him, Little Johnny answered:
Little Johnny: “Bubble gum.”
Teacher: “You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.”
Little Johnny: “Tent.”
The principal was looking restless.
Teacher: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.”
Little Johnny: “Wedding ring.”
Teacher: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.”
Little Johnny: “Nose.”
Teacher: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.”
Little Johnny: “Arrow.”
Principal: “OH MY GOD!”
Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K, and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand?”
Little Johnny: “Fork.”
Teacher: “What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his, and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?”
Little Johnny: “Surname.”
Principal: “Ohooo!”
Teacher: “What part of a man has no bone, but has muscles with a lot of veins and is responsible for making love?”
Little Johnny: “Heart.”
Principal: “Eeeeeh!”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, “Send this boy straight to college. I got all the answers wrong myself!”
A Mormon and an Irishman were seated next to each other in first class on a flight out of NYC.
Once the plane was airborne and the seatbelt sign was turned off, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was brought to him right away and placed in front of him.
Then the flight attendant asked the Mormon what he wanted to drink, and he replied, “I would rather be raped by twelve wild whores than let demon liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Same here. I didn’t know we had a choice.”
A family is visiting the zoo.
While they’re watching the elephants, the little boy points and asks his mother, “Mom, what’s that hanging down underneath the elephant?”
“That’s his trunk,” she replies.
“No,” says the boy, “at the other end.”
“Oh, that’s his tail,” she says.
“No, no, the thing underneath!” the boy insists.
Realizing what he means, the mother blushes and says, “Oh, never mind that. That’s nothing.”
Confused, the boy turns to his father.
“Dad, what is that thing underneath the elephant? Mom said it’s nothing.”
The father looks at the elephant, then at his son, and says, “Well, son, your mother is just spoiled.”
