Joke Type: dialogue

Dialogue jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Romantic Nostalgia

    An elderly couple had just climbed into bed for the night.

    As they lay in the dark, the wife felt a wave of romantic nostalgia.

    “Honey,” she whispered, “remember how you used to hold my hand when we were courting?”

    The husband sighed, reached over, took her hand, squeezed it gently, and settled back down.

    A few minutes later, she whispered, “And remember how you used to lean over and give me a sweet little kiss on the cheek?”

    The husband sighed again, rolled over, kissed her cheek, and tucked himself back in.

    Another minute passed.

    “And remember how you used to softly nibble on my neck and ear?”

    Suddenly, the husband threw off the blankets, swung his legs out of bed, and stood up.

    Startled, the wife asked, “Honey, where are you going?”

    Without looking back, he muttered, “To the bathroom to get my teeth!”

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  • What Turns You On More

    A wife gets naked and asks her husband, “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?”

    Her husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, “Your sense of humor.”

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  • Fred’s Annual Physical

    Fred is eighty years old and has just had his annual physical. His doctor is, as always, very impressed at Fred’s level of fitness. Fred explains:

    “Ever since I was young, my faith in God has helped me with the discipline needed to keep at it. As I age, the Lord keeps guiding me in many ways. For instance, when I get up to pee at night, the Lord turns the bathroom light on, and when I’m done, the Lord turns the bathroom light off.”

    After Fred leaves, the doctor is a little concerned about what may be a hallucination, so he calls Fred’s wife.

    “Fred is in great shape as always, but he said one thing that concerned me. He said when he gets up to pee at night, the Lord turns the bathroom light on, and when he’s done, the Lord turns the bathroom light off. Do you know what that means?”

    “Yes, it means he’s pissing in the fridge again!”

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  • At The Dentist

    “I’d rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth,” a woman told her dentist.

    He replied, “Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair.”

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  • John’s Birthday At The Club

    A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club on his birthday.

    At the club, the doorman says, “Hi, John. How are you doing today?”

    The wife asks, “How did he know your name?”

    John says, “Oh! Honey, I played football with him in college.”

    Inside, the bartender says, “As usual, John?”

    John says to his wife, “Before you say anything, he’s on the bowling team.”

    Then a stripper asks, “Hi, John. Do you want the special again?”

    The wife doesn’t wait for him to give an excuse anymore. She drags him into a taxi…

    Then the taxi driver says, “Hey, Johnny boy! You picked up an ugly one this time!”

    John’s funeral is next week…

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  • The Bar Menu

    A man walks into a bar.

    Upon sitting down, a busty blonde waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food.

    He looks up at the menu above the bar.

    It says, “Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, Handjob $10.”

    He asks the waitress, “Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?”

    She winks and replies, “Why, yes, I am.”

    He says, “Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.”

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  • Afternoon Tea With Cannibals

    Two cannibal friends are sitting together over afternoon tea.

    One looks across the table and asks, “Hey, I heard you and your boyfriend had a massive argument last night?”

    “Oh, absolutely,” she replies. “It was dreadful.”

    “So, where do things stand between you two now?”

    She pauses, takes a delicate sip from her teacup, and says, “Well… right now, I’m just letting him stew.”

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  • My Best Friend In Bed

    I came home and found my wife in bed with my best friend!

    She was stroking him, and he was licking her!

    I did what any red-blooded man would do under such circumstances.

    I rolled up a newspaper, bopped him on the nose with it, and yelled:

    “Bad dog! BAD dog!”

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  • Surely I don’t need an umbrella today

    I asked my iPhone, “Surely I don’t need an umbrella today?”.
    Siri replied “Yes, and don’t call me Shirley”.

    Apparently I had left Airplane mode on.

  • Neighbor Can’t Sleep at 2am

    My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, “I can’t sleep.”

    “Well it’s your lucky day,” I said. “We’ve got a party going on in here, come in.”