As the F-14 screamed through the desert air, the pilot eyed the rising launcher ramps and wondered yet again if the missile sites were a genuine threat or merely happy to see him.
Joke Type: double entendre
Double entendre jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Grandpa’s Sexual Decline Through the Years
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him, “When you first get married, you want it all the time…and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year…maybe on your anniversary.”
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, “Well, how about you and Grandma now?”
His grandfather replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex.”
“What’s oral sex?” the young fellow asked.
“Well,” Grandpa said, “she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, ‘Screw You,’ and I holler back, ‘Screw You too!’”
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Fireman’s Home Alarm System Gets Misused
A fireman was talking to his wife and told her “We have this really good system down at the station. One bell means that we all grab our gear, two bells means that we all slide down the pole, and three bells means that we all board the fire engine and leave. So that’s what we’re going to do around here. When I say one bell, I want you to take off all of your clothes. When I say two bells, I want you to get in the bed. When I say three bells, we start screwing.”
Later on that night, the fireman said one bell, and his wife began to disrobe.
Then, he said two bells, and his wife jumped into the bed.
Then, he said three bells, and they began to screw.
After a couple of minutes, his wife said “four bells.”
The fireman said “What’s that mean?”
She said “The fire is not out and I need more hose!”
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Misunderstanding at the Beach
Goldie was sitting on a beach, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
“Hello, sir,” she said, “Do you like movies?”
“Yes, I do,” he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. “Do you like gardening?”
The man again looked up from his book. “Yes, I do,” he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked, “Do you like pussycats?”
With that the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she’d never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man thought for a moment and replied, “How did you know that my name was Katz?”
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Best Friend’s Cat Confusion
Jim was in bed with his best friend’s wife. Just as things were reaching a climax, he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. “What the hell’s wrong with you?” she asked.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.Unleash Chaos -
Neither Repeating Nor Terminating
My math teacher calls the 14th of March “Pi Day” because it’s 3/14. I celebrated by neither repeating nor terminating for the whole day.
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Woman’s Expensive Evening Surprise Twist
One evening after attending the theater two gentlemen were walking down the street when they observed a well-dressed, attractive young lady walking just ahead of them. One turned to the other and said, “I’d give 50 bucks to spend the night with that woman.”
To their surprise, the woman turned and said, “I’ll take you up on that.”
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his friend good-night, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed. The following morning the man presented her with 25 dollars as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating, “If you don’t give me the other 25 I’ll sue you for it.”
He laughed, saying, “I’d like to see you get it on these grounds.”
The next day he was surprised when he was served with a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant…. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said, “She can’t possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented.”
After the usual preliminaries, the lady’s lawyer addressed the court as follows:
“Your Honor, my client is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only $25. The rent is not excessive since it was restricted property, and we ask judgment to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance.”
The defendant’s lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the case had been presented. His defense was therefore somewhat altered from what he had planned…. This is what he said:
“Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of property, for a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones; sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labor being personally performed by him. We claim these improvements to the property are sufficient to offset the unpaid balance, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask that the judgment not be granted.”
The young lady’s lawyer’s comeback was like this….
“Your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property, and he did make improvements such as described by my opponent, however, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would have never have rented the property; also, on evacuating the premises, the defendant moved the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask judgment be granted.”
She got it….
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Quiz Show Victory Cut Short by Time
Jane was a first time contestant on the $465,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled in her favour, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask her the big question.
Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. “I’ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.”
“Relax, honey,” her husband, Bubba, reassured her, “It will all be OK.”
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Bubba grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
“Where are you going?” Jane asked.
“I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon.” He replied.
Jane waited impatiently for Bubba’s return. After an agonising 3 hour absence, Bubba returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.
“Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!”
“What is it?” she cried excitedly.
“OK. The question is ‘What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?’ And the answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.’”
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Bubba, who was asking her the quiz show question.
“The head, the heart, and the penis,” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
And Bubba asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days’ events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
“Jane, for $465,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.”
“Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously.
“Very good. Six seconds.”
“Eh, uh, the heart?”
“Very good! Four seconds.”
“I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…”
“That’s close enough,” said the game show host, “CONGRATULATIONS!!”
