A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”
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Unleash ChaosJoke Type: misunderstanding
Misunderstanding jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Eats Shoots and Leaves
A prostitute enters a pub and notices a Panda bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the panda bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the Panda gets up and wanders towards the door. “HEY! Where are you going?” yells the prostitute. “I haven’t been paid!”
Realizing that he is a Panda bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up prostitute.
She shows him the definition: PROSTITUTE (pros’ti toot) n. A woman who performs sexual services for money.
The Panda bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary. He shows her a definition: PANDA BEAR (pan der bare) n. Eats shoots and leaves.
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I Have a Dead Pussy
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, “I have a dead pussy.”
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, “Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.”
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I Dont Want a Dog
One night, a four-year-old heard some strange noises in his parents’ bedroom, so he gets out of bed to check it out. He enters their room and sees his father on top of his mother.
Pretty confused, he asks them what they were doing. Reckoning there was not a good time for the “flowers and the bees” story, Dad says, “Uh, we’re, like, making a little brother for you.”
The kid gets very upset and leaves the room sobbing, “I don’t wanna little brooootheeer!”
Next night, same thing, just that Mom was on top of Dad. “What now?”, wants the boy to know. Embarrassed, Mom says they were making a little sister for him.
“I don’t want no little siiiisteeeeer!”, whimpers the kid, while returning to his bed.
Third night he had the same sleeping problem. This time, in the parents’ bed, the father was behind the mother, so he just slaps the door very angry, crying, “I don’t want a doooog!”
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Hiding My Girlfriend’s Inhaler
I sometimes fool my neighbours into thinking I’m good in bed by hiding my girlfriend’s inhaler. They can hear her out of breath shouting “give it to me, just fucking give it to me, pleeeeease give it to me”.
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Once a Sailor Always a Sailor
On the day of the wedding, the bride was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family…
And then she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes and began to panic.
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to the bride for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over the bride’s feet were hurting real bad.
When she and the groom withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard the groom say, “God, that was tight.”
“There,” whispered the mother of the bride. “I told you she was a virgin.”
Then, to their surprise, they heard the groom say, “Right. Now for the other one.” Followed by more grunting and straining, at last the groom said, “My God. That was even tighter.”
“That’s my boy,” said the father of the groom. “Once a sailor, always a sailor.”
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Named Her Grandma
katie @skatie420
[showing off my new baby] we named her after my grandmother, her name is Grandma.
7:48 AM · 20 Apr 22 · Twitter for iPhone
380 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 3,939 Likes
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Why Didnt You Keep Him When You Took His Picture
Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want him very badly.”
So Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”
