Joke Type: misunderstanding

Misunderstanding jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Wouldnt I Wooden Eye

    There was a seaman who had a wooden eye because he was a tight mean bastard who refused to pay for a professionally made eyeball. However he was very sensitive about people making fun of his eyeball. One night after being at sea for several months and being tight with money, he thought he would try his luck at the local pubs for some pussy instead of going with the other guys to proposition some of the local prostitutes.

    He struck pay dirt by meeting a lady with the most marvelous figure. However, instead of her mouth going across her face, it went vertically straight up and down. On arriving back at the woman’s place and making small talk, the lady said she would like him to leave as she wanted her sleep.

    This got the seaman angry as he wanted some pussy and told her she wouldn’t have been any good in bed anyway. She yelled “WOULDN’T I” and the seaman thought she had said wooden eye, and being very sensitive about his eye he retorted “WHO ARE YOU CALLING WOODEN EYE CUNT FACE”.

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  • Were Having a Yard Sale Today

    A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked.

    A well-dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. “This is a brothel” replied the madam.

    “Well, what’s all this out on the lawn?” queried the man.

    “Oh, we’re having a yard sale today.”

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  • Shes the One That Suffers Not Me

    A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”

    The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?”

    The husband replies, “Well, not exactly. She’s the one that suffers, not me.”

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  • Eats Shoots and Leaves

    A prostitute enters a pub and notices a Panda bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the panda bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the Panda gets up and wanders towards the door. “HEY! Where are you going?” yells the prostitute. “I haven’t been paid!”

    Realizing that he is a Panda bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up prostitute.

    She shows him the definition: PROSTITUTE (pros’ti toot) n. A woman who performs sexual services for money.

    The Panda bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary. He shows her a definition: PANDA BEAR (pan der bare) n. Eats shoots and leaves.

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  • I Have a Dead Pussy

    An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, “I have a dead pussy.”

    The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, “Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.”

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  • I Dont Want a Dog

    One night, a four-year-old heard some strange noises in his parents’ bedroom, so he gets out of bed to check it out. He enters their room and sees his father on top of his mother.

    Pretty confused, he asks them what they were doing. Reckoning there was not a good time for the “flowers and the bees” story, Dad says, “Uh, we’re, like, making a little brother for you.”

    The kid gets very upset and leaves the room sobbing, “I don’t wanna little brooootheeer!”

    Next night, same thing, just that Mom was on top of Dad. “What now?”, wants the boy to know. Embarrassed, Mom says they were making a little sister for him.

    “I don’t want no little siiiisteeeeer!”, whimpers the kid, while returning to his bed.

    Third night he had the same sleeping problem. This time, in the parents’ bed, the father was behind the mother, so he just slaps the door very angry, crying, “I don’t want a doooog!”

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  • Hiding My Girlfriend’s Inhaler

    I sometimes fool my neighbours into thinking I’m good in bed by hiding my girlfriend’s inhaler. They can hear her out of breath shouting “give it to me, just fucking give it to me, pleeeeease give it to me”.

  • Once a Sailor Always a Sailor

    On the day of the wedding, the bride was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family…

    And then she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes and began to panic.

    Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to the bride for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over the bride’s feet were hurting real bad.

    When she and the groom withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

    The rest of the family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard the groom say, “God, that was tight.”

    “There,” whispered the mother of the bride. “I told you she was a virgin.”

    Then, to their surprise, they heard the groom say, “Right. Now for the other one.” Followed by more grunting and straining, at last the groom said, “My God. That was even tighter.”

    “That’s my boy,” said the father of the groom. “Once a sailor, always a sailor.”

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  • Chinese Neighbours Waffles Cat

    Chinese Neighbours Waffles Cat

  • Named Her Grandma

    Named Her Grandma

    katie @skatie420

    [showing off my new baby] we named her after my grandmother, her name is Grandma.

    7:48 AM · 20 Apr 22 · Twitter for iPhone

    380 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 3,939 Likes