Joke Type: misunderstanding

Misunderstanding jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Engineering Interview

    Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as compared to D.C.?

    Student: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.

    Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC?

    Student: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is DC. If it gets stuck, it was AC.

    Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?

    Student: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.

    Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?

    Student: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)

    Interviewer: Stop! Stop!

    Student: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)

    Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?

    Student: By using a miniature circuit breaker.

    Interviewer: Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through?

    Student: See, a capacitor is like this —“~~”—, OK. DC comes straight, like this ——————————, and the capacitor stops it. But AC goes UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!

    Interviewer: What is a step-up transformer?

    Student: A transformer that is put on top of electric poles.

    Interviewer (smiling): And then what is a step-down transformer?

    Student (hesitantly): Uh — a transformer that is put in the basement or in a pit?

    Interviewer (pouncing): Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?

    Interviewer (impatiently): Well?

    Student (triumphantly): A stepless transformer, sir!

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  • Memo from Supervisor to Staff

    Memo from Director General to Manager:

    Today at 11 o’clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot.

    Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

    Memo from Manager to Department Head:

    Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.

    The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

    Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

    The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

    Memo from Floor Manager to Supervisor:

    Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn’t happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

    Memo from Supervisor to Staff:

    Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director General disappear. It is a pity this doesn’t happen every day.

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  • You Gotta Fax Your Ass to Corporate

    This one is supposed to be a true story, told by a co-worker.

    Any of you have those square electronic keys you press against a pad to open the building door? I worked at a relatively high-security building which had electronic locks. A thick plastic card pressed against the door pad unlocks the door so you can enter. Most of us guys kept the card in our back pocket and just pressed our ass against the pad to unlock the door.

    A temporary worker was hired and we were surprised (and happy) to find that it was a young woman. Her first few days went by and one of us always happened to be nearby when she wanted in. I walked up one day and caught her rubbing her ass against the door pad — which didn’t unlock the door, since she didn’t have a card.

    As I pressed my butt against the pad to let us both in, I told her, “You gotta fax your ass to corporate before you can get in this way.”

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  • A Real State

    A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check.

    The clerk asked for her driver’s license.

    She presented her West Virginia driver’s license and the clerk grabbed it away from her and scoffed, “If you’re going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!”

    A manager was required to verify West Virginia’s statehood.

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  • Five Blank Copies

    Several years ago there was an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?”

    “Just use the copier machine paper,” she told him.

    With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of typing paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

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  • Never Misses a Period

    What quality does the best secretary in the world have?

    She never misses a period.

  • Technical Experiences

    Listed below are (sad, but true) excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton:

    An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response: “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

    Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for twenty minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, “What power switch?”

    Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

    AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

    Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

    Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

    A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

    Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech referred him to the local Egghead. “Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,” the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, “Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.”

    Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

    A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid.” The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.

    Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After forty minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

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  • Stupid Things People Have Said Trying to Get Their Computers to Work

    • “Can you fax me a disk?”
    • “Is that a capital ‘7’?”
    • “Can I buy the Internet?”
    • “Oh, you mean I need a modem and a computer to access the Internet!”
    • “I have a 464 with 8K.”
    • “It says I have 512 kegabytes.”
    • “I’d like to buy a box of hard disks.”
    • “My wife downloaded 20 megs of free space. Is that enough?”
    • “The Internet — isn’t that a microchip?”
    • “Every time I call you I get disconnected from the Internet!”
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  • The Cup Holder on My PC Is Broken

    Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”

    Tech Rep: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”

    Tech Rep: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”

    Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”

    Tech Rep: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”

    Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.”

    At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off in the drive. Oops!

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  • Only Fifty Cents

    A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!”

    The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.

    The bartender says, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”

    The cowboy replies, “Well, you’d drink that fast too if you had what I have.”

    The bartender says, “Oh dear! What is it? What do you have?”

    “I have… only fifty cents!”

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