Misunderstanding jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
A woman is in the hospital in a coma, hooked up to all the monitors. One day, while the nurse was cleaning the wife, she noticed a blip of brain activity as she washed her nether region. The nurse scrambled to grab the doctor to show him.
Three guys from San Francisco are in a hot tub when suddenly a large blob of semen rises to the top.
One of the guys stands up, angry, and asks, “Okay, WHO farted?”
A penguin was driving her car when it started shaking and making a noise. Fortunately, she was able to make it to a mechanic before it stopped running.
The mechanic told her it would be a couple of hours before he could get to it, so he suggested the penguin hang out at the ice cream shop across the street.
The penguin grabbed her laptop from the car and headed across the street to check email and do some work.
Two hours later, she went back to the shop and spoke with the mechanic. The penguin asked, “What’s the problem? Is it the transmission?”
The mechanic responded, “It looks like you blew a seal.”
To which the penguin responded, “Nah, that’s just a little ice cream,” as she wiped her chin.
Two nuns are riding their bicycles through the village. One says, “I’ve never come this way before.”
The other replies, “Me neither. It must be the cobblestone.”
A boy and his father are walking in the park.
The boy sees a male dog mounting a female dog. He asks his dad, “Dad, what are they doing?”
Dad thinks for a second and says, “Well, son, they’re making a puppy.”
This satisfies the boy’s curiosity, and they finish their walk.
Later that night, the boy gets up for a drink of water. He passes his parents’ room, and they’ve carelessly left the door ajar. They’re face-to-face in the throes of passion.
The little boy asks, “Dad, what are you and Mommy doing?”
The startled dad hesitates for a second, looks up, and says, “Well, son, we’re making you a baby brother.”
And the kid says, “Well then, can you turn Mommy over? I’d rather have a puppy.”
I asked my best friend to be my wingman and boast about me while I was talking to a girl I like.
It backfired horribly when he told her I’m the best sex he ever had.
A patrol car is sitting on the side of the highway when a car speeds past at an alarming rate.
The patrol car takes off in pursuit, comes up beside the car, and looks across at the blonde driving. He notices she is knitting.
The cop turns on his lights and siren, and the blonde continues to knit, oblivious to her surroundings.
The cop winds down his window and uses a bullhorn to get the blonde’s attention, yelling, “Pull over!”
The blonde looks across at the cop, takes a second to answer, and finally says, “No! It’s a scarf!”
Old Mr. Rutledge died peacefully in his sleep and was taken to the morgue.
While fixing him up for the funeral, the mortician naturally got a look at the old dead man naked.
He was so awestruck at the size of Rutledge’s penis that he called his assistant in.
“Wow, good on you, Mr. Rutledge! That thing’s gotta be the size of a baseball bat!” the assistant commented.
Later that night, the mortician commented to his wife, “I worked on the body of an old man today. I swear what he was packing was the size of a baseball bat!”
His wife’s eyes widened and she said, “Mr. Rutledge died?”
There was a safety meeting at work today…
They asked me, “What steps would you take in case of a fire?”
“Big fucking steps.”
Evidently, that was NOT the answer.
