To get into better shape, I treated myself to a new piece of exercise equipment. It looks real pretty with my name and address on it, but the paper cuts are killing me. I guess I should have done more research before getting a stationery bike.
Joke Type: pun
Pun jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Selling Me a Bridge
My dentist must think I’m incredibly gullible; he keeps trying to sell me a bridge.
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Nguyen-Nguyen Situation
My boss decided to hire two Vietnamese brothers instead of one.
It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.
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My Dog Is Really Smart
My dog is really smart.
I asked him, “What’s two minus two?”
He said nothing.
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Where I Draw the Line
I do a lot of illegal things…
But graffiti is where I draw the line.
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Mattresses Prefer Overweight People
Why do mattresses prefer overweight people?
They leave a big impression.
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Virgin Bride’s Three Failed Marriages Explained
A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, “Please promise to be gentle,… I am still a virgin.”
The startled groom says “How can that be? You’ve been married 3 times before.”
The bride responds… “Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.”
“My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.”
“And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was……………..God I miss him!”
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Cider for the Pain
A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand: “Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!” she wailed.
“Why do you want a glass of cider?” asked her mom.
“I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!”
Confused, but weary of the child’s whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.
“Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn’t work!” she whined.
“What are you talking about?” asked her increasingly perplexed parent, “What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?”
“Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can’t wait to get it in cider.”
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Renaissance Faire Riot
A riot broke out at the local Renaissance Faire. Things got pretty ugly, but luckily the authorities intervened before anyone could start luting.
