mikerocks182 1 week ago
When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music.” When I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot.”
Reply · 42
Joke Type: self-deprecating
Self-deprecating jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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No Smoking Bad Sex
NO SMOKING
“I’ve got to give you credit. How you can squeeze that much bad sex into 2 minutes, is beyond me.”
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Priest Scandals
I’m really disturbed about all these priest scandals I keep reading about in the papers. From what I can tell, the average priest is having more sex than I am.
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Application for Employment
This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment:
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz-style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30–3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
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Social Distancing Dad
My dad must be really be taking this social distancing shit seriously, I haven’t seen him in 23 years
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14 Dollars of Soda
vivivictoria: hey gang im ordering 14 dollars worth of soda and nothing else from my local dominos
im thorsty
vivivictoria: He better not fucking have
YOUR ORDER IS IN THE OVEN – Majkiiwis put your order in the oven at 2:47 PM.
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Slip Into Something Comfortable
allow me to slip into something more comfortable ~
*gets in my car and leaves*
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Celebrating That Long
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes,” she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
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It Was Just a Meme
WHEN YOUR GIRL SEE YOU SMILING AT YOUR PHONE
“Go fuckin be with her if she’s So funny”
“it was just a meme”
