Joke Type: self-deprecating

Self-deprecating jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Eggnog Alibi

    I miss the holidays. It’s the only time of year when you can get away with telling people that the stain on your dress is really eggnog.

  • Per Alt Delete

    Per Alt Delete

    9AM: I’m going to work hard and get ahead today.

    9:05AM:

  • Depressed And Miserable

    Depressed And Miserable

    Last year I was miserable and depressed but this year I turned that shit around so I’m depressed and miserable now

  • Night School 8 AM Class

    The worst part about going to night school to get my college education was ending up with an 8:00 class and having to drag my sleepy ass out of bed by 7:00 PM.

  • The Handy Guide to Self-Love Benefits

    Masturbation …a handy subject with many advantages.

    1. you don’t have to look your best

    2. you never have to say “I love you”…promise to mow the lawn… buy flowers/dinner…lie about the size of your hand’s arse etc.

    3. if you use your other hand it feels like someone else

    4. you can use both hands and have and orgy

    5. you don’t have to promise to call in the morning

    6. and as long as you’re careful you’ll never end up with the wet spot.

    7. you can make it last for hours, if you do it a certain way

    8. you can do it wherever there is a public toilet which has a private cubical (ie supermarket, shopping centre, railway station, on a train, etc, etc)

    9. you don’t need to make an appointment in advance

    10. it doesn’t really make you go blind, not unless your hand slides off the end and you poke yourself in the eye.

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  • Except a Crippling Illness

    Whatever doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger. Except a crippling illness that leaves me comatose and on a respirator, that is.

  • Bucknekkid Dart Tag Reconsidered

    While I love weapons, nudity and sports, perhaps I should have spent a little more time thinking through the reality of Bucknekkid Dart Tag.

  • Aging and Facial Hair

    When I was in my twenties, not shaving for a few days gave me a cool Don Johnson/Miami Vice look. Now that I’m in my forties, though, it tends to make me look more like Otis from Mayberry.

  • Bounce a Quarter Off My Ass

    I’ve worked hard to get to the point where you can now bounce a quarter off my ass. Well, to clarify, I meant a Quarter Pounder with cheese, and I’ll probably snatch it from you on the return trajectory.