As I watched my two-year-old drag his naked bottom across the carpet, I realized that perhaps I overestimated the transferability of the toilet-training skills I had initially honed with our puppies.
Joke Type: self-deprecating
Self-deprecating jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Insufficient Funds ATM
I think banks should do a better job by keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fifth one I’ve been to, kept saying “insufficient funds” 🙄😐
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Stimulus Check Midget Hookers
Me when I realize I should have used my stimulus check on bills instead of midget hookers with pink wigs
Someday I’ll learn.
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Selling My Nudes
Times are tough so once again I will be selling my nudes.
$5 to get one
$25 not to get one
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The Eggnog Alibi
I miss the holidays. It’s the only time of year when you can get away with telling people that the stain on your dress is really eggnog.
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Depressed And Miserable
Last year I was miserable and depressed but this year I turned that shit around so I’m depressed and miserable now
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Night School 8 AM Class
The worst part about going to night school to get my college education was ending up with an 8:00 class and having to drag my sleepy ass out of bed by 7:00 PM.
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The Handy Guide to Self-Love Benefits
Masturbation …a handy subject with many advantages.
1. you don’t have to look your best
2. you never have to say “I love you”…promise to mow the lawn… buy flowers/dinner…lie about the size of your hand’s arse etc.
3. if you use your other hand it feels like someone else
4. you can use both hands and have and orgy
5. you don’t have to promise to call in the morning
6. and as long as you’re careful you’ll never end up with the wet spot.
7. you can make it last for hours, if you do it a certain way
8. you can do it wherever there is a public toilet which has a private cubical (ie supermarket, shopping centre, railway station, on a train, etc, etc)
9. you don’t need to make an appointment in advance
10. it doesn’t really make you go blind, not unless your hand slides off the end and you poke yourself in the eye.
