Setup-punchline jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
A long, long time ago, when I was nineteen or twenty, I went to a bar with an older friend. The guy at the door asked for my ID. I gave him my driver’s license, which of course had my date of birth printed on it.
He looked at it and said, “You have to be twenty-one to get in here.”
I replied, “That ID is a few years old.”
He looked at it again for a moment, then said, “Oh, OK” and let me in.
Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and water.
On the tenth day, bleary-eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).
They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. “POOF!” out popped a tired old genie who said, “OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I’ve been doing this three-wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I’m burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I’m outta here. Make it a good one.”
The first guy, without hesitation or thought, blurted out, “Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!”
“Fine,” said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.
“Great move, Einstein!” said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. “Now we’re gonna have to piss in the boat!”
To save money on fuel I took the mirrors off of my car to reduce drag.
I’ve not looked back since.
A seven-year-old girl tells her mom, “Little Johnny asked me to play doctor today.”
“Oh, dear,” the mother says nervously. “What happened, honey?”
And the little girl says, “Not much. He made me sit in a chair for forty-five minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”
