I bet one of the hardest parts of being a superhero is remembering which phone booth you left your clothes in. And by “superhero,” what I mean is “demented-exhibitionist-guy.”
Joke Type: setup-punchline
Setup-punchline jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Deer Dragging Direction Makes All The Difference
Two goober hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
“Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”
After the third hunter left, the two goobers decided to try it.
A little while later one said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!”
“Yeah,” the other added, “but we’re getting farther away from the truck….”
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Wife Interrupts Husband’s Porn Search for Curtains
A husband, his wife asleep, goes to the computer in the living room, opens the browser and starts looking through some porn pics.
He’s looking, looking, suddenly he hears behind him:
“Wait wait wait! Scroll up! Again! One more!.. Yes! These are the curtains I want for the kitchen!”
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Never Start Off on the Wrong Foot
Why is a double amputee happier than an able-bodied person?
Because they never start off on the wrong foot.
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Safety in Numb Bears
Most zoo dentists refuse to treat a grizzly without strong anesthesia first.
Because there’s safety in numb bears.
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Never Really That Into Her
So sad news, my girlfriend broke up with me for having a small penis.
It’s OK… I was never really that into her.
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He Only Has One Eye and One Ear
A policeman was interrogating three guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s true! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy…” the third guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
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Judge’s Taste in Justice Gets Feathered
The man stood before the judge, accused of killing an endangered whooping crane.
The man argued that he thought it was a common Sandhill crane — not endangered — and convinced the judge. The judge dismissed the case. As the man was leaving the courtroom the judge, being an avid bird hunter himself, asked what the whooping crane tasted like.
“It tastes like Bald Eagle”, said the man.
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Butterface
Joey was hanging in a bar, and his friends asked him if he’d scored lately.
“Man, I picked up this chick the other night and had the best sex ever,” Joey told them. “The only problem was, she was a total butterface.”
His friends asked him, “What the hell is a butterface?”
Joey answered, “Everything about her was hot, but her face.”
