[about to have sex]
her: ur so big
me: [putting my shirt back on] fuck u
Joke Type: sexual innuendo
Sexual innuendo jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
-
Bryan County Bond
BRYAN COUNTY JAIL
WOMAN IN BRYAN COUNTY SUCKS OFF MAN’S PENIS
Doyle Hargraves
HOW MUCH IS HER BOND?
-
500 Votes Per Boob Electoral College
Well, another election in my household has passed and the results are in: The Sex-Every-Sunday Referendum was defeated soundly, 1000-1. I knew agreeing to the 500-vote-per-boob Electoral College would come back to haunt me.
-
Deli Salami: No Slicing Required
A fag walks into a corner deli, takes a number, and waits his turn. Soon, his turn comes up, and the deli boy asks, “Well, what will it be today, sir?”
To this, the fag replies, “I’ll have a half pound of roast beef, a pound of your swiss cheese, and I’ll take that nice long salami you’ve got hanging by the window.”
After slicing the swiss cheese and the beef, the deli boy then asks him, “Sir, would you like me to slice the salami as well?”
To this the fag replies, “Slice the salami?! What do you think my ass is, a piggy bank?”
-
Love Blooms in Workplace Jealousy
“Darling,” murmured the girl to her boyfriend, “when did you first realize that you were in love with me?”
“Well, I suppose…” whispered the man tenderly, “it was when I started getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said you were a lousy lay.”
-
Dating the Anatomically Disproportionate Guy
“The guy I dated tonight turned out to be a sadist,” reported the girl.
“You mean literally–whips and that sort of thing?” asked her roommate.
“Worse than that! The creep screwed me with a four-inch penis and then French-kissed me goodbye with an eight-inch tongue!”
-
Dirty Medical Humor: Adult Jokes Collection
Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It’s what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.Q: What do you call a Florida gynecologist?
A: A spreader of old wives’ tails…Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A: They have shaky hands!Q: What do you call a female midget who’s nice and gives head?
A: Short, sweet, and to the point!Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
A: An armadildo.Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can’t?
A: Come in eight flavors.Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on T.V.?
A: “Ward, weren’t you a little hard on the Beaver last night?”Q: Do you know why it’s called sex?
A: Because it’s easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh…Ahhhhhh….AIIEEEEEEE!!!Q: What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
A: Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.Q: If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
A: 8 hours, 59 minutes – who cares what she wants!Q: What do you do in case of fallout?
A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes!Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
A: In case you miss. -
Fresh Liver Fixes Everything Until It Ends Up in the Sink
It seems that Annie was born with a rather unusually large vagina and therefore has been unable to sustain any sort of long-term relationships because even the most well endowed men soon lose interest because of her inability to satisfy them sexually.
So when a guy from the office whom she really liked asked her out, she decided to take desperate measures. On the way home she stops at the butcher and buys a kilo of fresh liver. She gets ready for her big date and slides that kilo of liver into her box, hoping that it will take up some of the slack, just in case the evening should turn out to be romantic.
Bill picks her up, they go out, dinner, dancing, cocktails, have the BEST time, and sure enough, end up back at her place, have some great sex and fall asleep in each other’s arms.
Annie wakes up the next morning and Bill is nowhere to be seen. She sighs and thinks, “Oh well, I gave it my best shot, I guess I’m doomed to end up an old maid.”
She goes downstairs to make coffee and finds a note on the kitchen table…..
“Dear Annie,
Thank you so much for last night! I had a really GREAT time, and I think you are WONDERFUL!
Sorry I had to leave so early, but I’ll call you later and I hope we can get together again REAL SOON!
Love You,
Bill(P.S. Your cunt’s in the sink)”
-
Waiting Room Examine
WAITING ROOM
“I never said anything about me being a doctor… I just said I’d like to examine your breasts.”
