Joke Type: sexual innuendo

Sexual innuendo jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence

    The Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence

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    15. Abstinence: Give Yourself a Hand!

    14. I say zip it — zip it good!

    13. Just because it’s the most pleasurable sensation you’ll ever feel in your lifetime doesn’t mean you should rush right out and experience it.

    12. Hey, do you want Ken Starr all over your ass?!

    11. Wham, Bam, Thank You Hand!

    10. Just Say Whoa

    9. Join the celibate Top 5 Contributors!

    8. The Pope does it — now *you* can, too!

    7. Abstinence: It’s not just for quarrels anymore!

    6. Leave It Near Beaver

    5. Don’t think of it as less sex — think of it as more time to watch “Babylon 5” reruns.

    4. You’ve come a long way, Baby — for nothing!

    3. Abstinence: No f**kin’ way!

    2. Spend a little time away from the orifice.

    1. “Hello, this is President Clinton with an important message for young people…”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 15 Porn Goddess Pet Peeves

    The Top 15 Porn Goddess Pet Peeves

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    15. Recent flood of scripts with scenes involving cigars.

    14. Your SAG card isn’t as impressive as it could be because it bears the name “BUSTY CHIXX.”

    13. Video sales dropped 20% after Starr Report posted on the Web.

    12. Wow! I can’t believe that a gorgeous adult video queen is *actually* reading one of my submissions!! I’m sorry — what was the question?

    11. Inconsiderate jerk co-stars who grab the refried bean lunch special at the studio commissary.

    10. Auto mechanic always over-stressing the words pump, hose, fill and lube when he works on your car.

    9. Can’t enjoy a simple hot dog without thinking about work.

    8. Friggin’ plumber always seems to break more than he fixes, conveniently guaranteeing himself weekly visits to the house.

    7. Chauffeurs who keep asking if you want your top down.

    6. Mail keeps getting misdelivered ever since you named yourself after a continent.

    5. Directors who think that putting a girl on her knees on a rock-hard pool table under burning hot set lights for 5 hours straight with the ugliest partner known to man

    4. Those embarrassing “Bring Your Daughter To Work Day” moments.

    3. Trying to remove that piece of glued-on, strategically placed black paper after the magazine photo shoot.

    2. All that pesky dialogue — was my line “yes, yes, oh baby!”, or “oh baby, yes, yes!”?

    1. IRS auditors who keep demanding tangible evidence for “proof of employment.”

    [ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
    [ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]

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  • Top 15 Wrigley Viagra Gum Slogans (regular version)

    The Top 15 Wrigley Viagra Gum Slogans (regular version)

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    15. Double your measure, double your gun

    14. Share a stick with the one you love

    13. Just like the Cubs at Wrigley Field, you, too, will be able to play at night!

    12. The flavor that never lets you down

    11. We put the “spear” in “spearmint”

    10. Double your pleasure, double your fun, halve your whining about how it’s never happened before

    9. Chew it all the way home

    8. New Wrigley’s Viagra gum: We bring your thing to life

    7. Time for the seven-inch stretch!

    6. Melts in your mouth, not in your pants

    5. Have *you* had a stick lately?

    4. Hey old man, wanna piece of candy?

    3. Recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists as an effective way to fill cavities

    2. Forget the flavor — *you’ll* be like a bedpost overnight

    1. It’s Wrigidly Delicious!

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 16 Chapters in Sex for Dummies

    The Top 16 Chapters in “Sex for Dummies”

    16. Evolution 101: Why Dummies Might Actually Make Poor Sex Partners

    15. Troubleshooting for Do-It-Yourselfers (NOTE: Memorize this chapter *before* you go blind.)

    14. Oh, God! Yes!! Oh, God! OH, GOD!!!: The Missionary Position

    13. Starting Out: Am I a Tab A or a Slot B?

    12. Engineering Secrets of the Bra: Removal in 14 Simple Steps

    11. The Face: How to Tell Your Lover Apart from All Those Other People

    10. Chapter 4: No, You Don’t *Actually* Blow

    9. Stop Masturbating, She’s Real!

    8. You’re Britney, I’m Strom: Introduction to Role Playing

    7. Foreplay: Not Just for Her Birthday, Chester

    6. Putting a Condom on a Banana is Just for *Practice*, Dumbass

    5. Crouching Doggie and Hidden Missionary: A Guide to Sexual Positions

    4. “Alternate” Lifestyles: Pokeman?

    3. Hey! Watch Those Teeth, Vampira!!

    2. Sexual Physics: The Round Peg/Round Hole Theory

    1. Chapter 1: Mayor McWeiner and the Clamburglar

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 16 Euphemisms for Masturbation

    The Top 16 Euphemisms for Masturbation

    16. Lap-based web browsing

    15. Gettin’ some air nookie

    14. Wrangling the invertebrate serpent

    13. Tango Con Mano

    12. Jostling your Elder

    11. Ruminating & Pondering

    10. Shaking your fist at the ex-girlfriend

    9. Releasing the hostages

    8. Tickling your Elmo

    7. Fixing the Hubble

    6. Putting the seminal luge team through their paces

    5. Carnal Tunnel Syndrome

    4. Beda-testing the hardware

    3. Downloading from your own website

    2. Evicting the testicular squatters

    1. Manually Increasing the Surface Temperature of the Ship’s Primary Cannon by Repeated Linear Manipulation

    [ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
    [ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]

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  • Top 16 Penis Dishes (R-rated version)

    The Top 16 Penis Dishes (R-rated version)

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    16. Weenieschnitzel

    15. Ding-Dongs

    14. Buffalo Wangs

    13. Chicken Marphallus

    12. Shish-ka-bobbitt

    11. Mansmeat Pie

    10. Wangers and Mash

    9. Standing Ribbed Roast (for her pleasure)

    8. Beef Swellington

    7. Rocky Mountain Sausage

    6. Beans ‘n’ Frank’s Frank

    5. Veal Scallopeepee

    4. Host-less Twinkie

    3. Spotted Dick (a vas diferens from the traditional British version)

    2. Rootie Tootie Fresh-Cut Woody

    1. Tool House Cookies

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 16 Signs Your Penis is a Finger

    The Top 16 Signs Your Penis is a Finger

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    16. “But officer, she asked for directions!”

    15. You’re the only guy at your gym who’s got a French manicure between his legs.

    14. Your wedding ring keeps falling off in the shower.

    13. Restraining order keeps you out of Yellow Pages offices nationwide.

    12. “Not tonight, baby — I’ve got a hangnail.”

    11. Madge calls the cops when she discovers you soaking in the Palmolive.

    10. Your rabbi is also your manicurist.

    9. A few words into your “I did not have sexual relations” finger-wagging speech, Helen Thomas faints dead away.

    8. Getting to third base is now a ground-rule home run.

    7. You now get arrested for giving someone the finger — even in New York City.

    6. Millions of pianists in the world, but there are chords that only *you* can play.

    5. Aunt Norma won’t let you play “Chopsticks” at the family reunion anymore.

    4. You sprout wood every time someone cuts you off in traffic.

    3. Even Fox has to go to commercial when you throw your knuckleball.

    2. Your nose-picking habit is cured — and your belly button is squeaky clean!

    1. “With this ring I thee– HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 16 Worst Movie Quotes to Utter During Sex

    The Top 16 Worst Movie Quotes to Utter During Sex

    16. “Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night!”

    15. “All I wanna do is go the distance.”

    14. “I know what you’re thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself.”

    13. “It’s not a tumor!”

    12. “I feel the need… the need for speed.”

    11. “It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. It does this whenever it’s told.”

    10. “My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!”

    9. “Say ‘hello’ to my little friend.”

    8. “At that speed, will you be able to pull out in time?”

    7. “We’re gonna need some more FBI guys, I guess.”

    6. “I can’t hold ‘er anymore, Cap’n!”

    5. “And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.”

    4. “I call him ‘Mini-Me.’”

    3. “We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious.”

    2. “Look, man, I ain’t fallin’ for no banana in my tailpipe!”

    1. “That’ll do, pig.”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 12 Pickup Lines at the Masturbate-a-Thon (X-Rated)

    The Top 12 Pickup Lines Used at the Masturbate-a-Thon (X-rated version)

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    12. “Can I interest you in a protein shake?”

    11. “Hey, handsome. Would you like some coffee with that cream?”

    10. “Hey, is that a cucumber in your pocket? And if so, can I borrow it for about 15 minutes?”

    9. “Avoid the clam dip.”

    8. “I don’t mean this to sound like a typical pick-up line, but you have beautiful labia.”

    7. “Hello, Richard. My name’s Dick. Have you met my friend, Peter?”

    6. “How’d you like to blow this joint?”

    5. “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘goo’ and ‘eye’ together.”

    4. “Care to get rid of the sock and slip into something more comfortable?”

    3. “Come here to come here often?”

    2. “Oops — sorry about that. Consider it a compliment. Can I get you a towel?”

    1. “Wanna fuck? No? Okay…
    Wanna fuck? No? Okay…
    Wanna fuck? No? Okay…
    Wanna fuck? Yes? Great!”

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  • Top 12 Pickup Lines at the Masturbate-a-Thon

    The Top 12 Pickup Lines Used at the Masturbate-a-Thon

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    12. “Doesn’t it seem strange to be doing this? I mean, without a keyboard in front of you?”

    11. “So, I hear you’re looking for a colossal jerk.”

    10. “Excuse me — I could use a hand over here.”

    9. “Doubles, anyone?”

    8. “So what time do you get off?”

    7. “This reminds me of Hands Across America. Only slimier.”

    6. “Are you finished with that?”

    5. “Good choice! The SuperSchlong 6000 was a Consumer Reports Best Buy.”

    4. “This is just a microcosm of life… oh, sorry about that — I’m waxing philosophical.”

    3. “Hello, handsome! I will be your father figure….”

    2. “Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?”

    1. “Can you help me out? I’m blind — and extremely confused right now.”

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