Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Priorities: Lawyering vs. Giving Back

    A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.

    The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

    “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

    The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

    Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um… no.”

    “—or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

    The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted.

    “—or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

    The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

    The lawyer cut him off once again: “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

  • Watching a live stream

    Why did the woman bring a remote control to the lake?

    She was watching a live stream.

  • He had squatter’s rights

    Why didn’t the personal trainer get kicked out of his apartment?

    He had squatter’s rights.

  • Don’t Worry, It’s Just the Drums!

    The Drums, the Drums!

    Two intrepid explorers are navigating up a remote river in Africa with the assistance of some native bearers.

    The first night, around the fire, the sound of drums can be heard in the distance. The explorers are clearly discomfited by the sound, but the natives tell them to relax—it’s not a big deal.

    The following night, the drums can be heard again, only much closer and louder. The explorers think this can’t be good and are visibly shaken. Again, the bearers tell them to calm down, that the drums are harmless.

    The third night, the drums are louder still, and the explorers are barely keeping it together. Suddenly…the drums stop.

    Now it is the bearers who are quaking, trembling in terror. When the explorers ask them the reason for this, the leader says, in a quavering voice,

    “Very bad! When drums stop, bass solo begins!”

  • A slipper

    What do you call a shoe made from a banana?

    A slipper.

  • Is the bar tender here?

    A termite walks into a pub and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

  • You got a drink named Steve?

    A grasshopper walks into a bar.

    The bartender tells him, “You know, we have a drink named after you.”

    The grasshopper answers, “You got a drink named Steve?”

  • Things started to go sideways

    Everything was fine until the crabs arrived.

    That’s when things started to go sideways.

  • The thesaurus throat

    I swallowed a bunch of synonyms today.

    I’ve got the thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

  • Bike Wrecks and Whiskey Checks!

    I rode my bicycle to buy alcohol.

    I bought a whiskey and was about to ride home, but I thought, what if I fall off my bike and the bottle breaks?

    I decided then and there I’d drink it all up before I rode home. Good thing I did, because I fell off my bicycle seven times.