Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Sir Cumference

    Everyone is familiar with King Arthur’s Knights of the Round Table, like Sir Lancelot. But who actually built the round table?

    Sir Cumference.

  • Comparing apples to oranges

    Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…

    But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

  • Two Irishmen, One Bar, A Shared Past!

    Two men sat next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London.

    “You sound Irish,” said the first.

    “Aye, that I am!” said the second proudly.

    “Faith and begorra, so am I! Where from?”

    “Dublin.”

    “Saints preserve us, me too! What street?”

    “McCleary Street.”

    “Mother of mercy… that’s my street as well! What school?”

    “St. Mary’s, class of ’64.”

    “Sweet heavens… I graduated in ’64 too!”

    Just then, a man walked in and asked the bartender,

    “What’s going on tonight, Murphy?”

    The bartender sighed.

    “Ah, nothing much… the O’Malley twins are drunk again.”

  • Three Pints for Brotherhood!

    An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness, and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

    When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

    The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. Wouldn’t you rather I draw fresh pints for you one at a time?”

    The fellow replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is now in America and the other in Australia. When we all left home, we promised we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.”

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

    The fellow becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the regulars notice and fall silent, speculating about what might have happened to one of the absent brothers.

    When the fellow goes back to the bar for a second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”

    The fellow looks confused for a moment, then he laughs and says, “Oh, no, everyone’s fine. I’ve just given up beer for Lent.”

  • Bearly A Joke: Legal Trouble in the Woods

    An American lawyer and his Czech brother-in-law are on a hunting vacation in Canada.

    As they exit their tent, they run into a male and female bear in the middle of an intimate moment. Enraged at the interruption, the male bear roars, rears up, and, with a sudden pounce, swallows the lawyer’s brother-in-law whole!

    The American runs for help, calling out for their Canadian ranger guide, who shows up with his hunting rifle. The American points at the male bear and says, “Quick! Shoot him, but be careful—my brother-in-law’s inside his belly!”

    The ranger levels his hunting rifle, takes aim, and shoots the female bear dead! Startled by the shot, the male bear runs off.

    The American falls to his knees, looks at the Canadian, and asks, “Why did you shoot the wrong bear?”

    The ranger scoffs and says, “Did you really expect me to believe a lawyer who tells me the Czech is in the male?”

  • He was a good buoy

    Did you hear about the dog who was floating in the ocean?
    He was a good buoy…

  • Refrain from dribbling again

    My boss said he couldn’t talk because he was traveling.

    I told him he probably needs to shoot or pass, and refrain from dribbling again.

  • Hooked on Rescue: A Fishy Dilemma!

    Three guys are fishing out of a boat. One guy’s lure gets stuck, and when he tries to reel it in, the line breaks. He tells the others with him that the lure was his favorite and that he is not leaving without it.

    He takes off his shirt and shoes and jumps in. He’s down there for such a long time that one of the other guys jumps in to try and save him. That guy is down for a while, but finally the guy still in the boat sees the second guy pop up with the first guy in tow.

    The one in the boat helps pull the guy in and right away starts to give him mouth-to-mouth. Almost instantly, he stops and says, “I can’t do it—his breath is horrible.”

    The other guy takes over as soon as he gets into the boat. Then he stops and says, “You’re right! I don’t remember his breath ever being that bad. In fact, I don’t remember him wearing that snowmobile suit.”