Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Won’t be able to hide under the bed

    If I ever get another cat, it’s going to be a big one, like a tiger or a panther. That way, if he ever gets upset and viciously scratches me across my face, the bastard won’t be able to hide under the bed.

  • Bob Pope

    The pope should change his name to Bob. Then he would be Bob Pope, and he could have charity golf tournaments and go around the world on tours with a star-studded cast as his entourage. It would certainly liven up his shows a bit.

  • A brick under the hood

    Every time I lock my keys in the car, I’m thankful I had the uncommon foresight to keep a brick stashed under the hood.

  • Now I want to break three

    I was going through my old stuff when I broke two Queen records.
    Now I want to break three.

  • Aren’t going to work out

    I asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up…
    Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.

  • Under a buck

    What’s the difference between a beer nut and a deer nut?
    A bowl of beer nuts is about $1.80, but you can always find a deer nut under a buck.

  • It’s pasture bedtime

    I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.”

    Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?”

    I chuckled, “Well, that means…”
    “It’s pasture bedtime!”

  • Is it still considered a beef?

    If two vegans are having an argument…

    Is it still considered a beef?

  • A ceiling rafter

    I found a guy kayaking in my attic when I got home from work today…

    It turns out he was a ceiling rafter.