Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Names That Stack Up: A Floral Mystery!

    A woman is walking home with her 3 daughters.

    The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, “Mummy, how did I get my name?”

    “Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that’s why we named you Rose.”

    The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.

    “Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that’s why we named you Lily.”

    The third girl asks “HHGHGNGHGHNG?!?!?! DDDNBHGHBHNGHHH!!!”

    “Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock.”

  • Buzz Off: A Businessman’s Bee Dilemma!

    A businessman wants to buy a farmhouse.

    After discussing the price and coming to common ground on the terms, they shake hands, and the property is practically sold.

    As they do a final walkthrough of the land, the businessman notices a beehive on the property and says, “Please, this needs to be removed—or take them with you. They could sting; it’s dangerous.”

    The farmer answers, “They’ve never stung me once since they’ve been here. I’ve never had any problems with them. I understand that you’re afraid, though, so let’s do it like this: I’ll tie you to this tree right here and leave you here butt naked overnight. If any bee stings you, I’ll give you my property for free.”

    They agree on those terms and shake hands again.

    The next morning, the farmer checks on the businessman and finds him all dried up, skinny, pale, eyes rolled back, and barely holding himself up.

    The farmer is shocked at the sight and says, “I want to apologize. This was a terrible idea. They never stung me or anyone who ever came by. Tell me, how many stung you?”

    The businessman, barely speaking, says, “None… but tell me, does that calf of yours not have a mother?”

  • Boo-gers: The Ghostly Nose Mystery!

    What is in a ghost’s nose?
    Boo-gers.

  • Left Side Cut Off? He’s All Right!

    Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
    He’s all right now.

  • Rare Medium Well: A Steak Pun Delight!

    A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

  • Elevator Adventures: Uplifted and Let Down!

    My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
    The second time let me down.

  • When Jokes Turn Serious: The Singing Saga

    I thought my wife was joking when she said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop singing “I’m a Believer.”
    Then I saw her face.

  • Backward Splash: The Diver’s Clever Dive!

    Why do scuba divers fall backward into the water?
    Because if they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.

  • Two-Tired: The Bicycle’s Balancing Act!

    Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?
    It’s two-tired.

  • Papal Joyride: A Divine Driving Desire

    After getting Pope Francis’s luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the pope is still standing on the curb.

    “Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver. “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”

    “Well, to tell you the truth,” says the pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”

    “I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?!” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

    “Who’s going to tell?” says the pope with a smile.

    Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 km/h.

    “Please slow down, Your Holiness,” pleads the worried driver, but the pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

    “Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license—and my job!” moans the driver.

    The pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
    “I need to talk to the chief,” he says to the dispatcher.

    The chief gets on the radio, and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 km/h.

    “So bust him,” says the chief.

    “I don’t think we want to do that. He’s really important,” says the cop.

    The chief exclaims, “All the more reason!”

    “No, I mean really important,” says the cop with a bit of persistence.

    The chief then asks, “Who do you have there, the mayor?”

    Cop: “Bigger.”

    Chief: “A senator?”
    Cop: “Bigger.”

    Chief: “The president?”

    Cop: “Bigger.”

    “Well,” says the chief, “who is it?”

    Cop: “I think it’s God!”

    The chief is even more puzzled and curious. “What makes you think it’s God?”

    Cop: “His chauffeur is the pope!”