Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Laid Off the Rower

    The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.

    Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

    The consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

    So as race day neared again the following year, the American team’s management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

    The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

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  • I Need to Talk to Someone Who Knows Something

    Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could. “What’s your job there?” the caller asked me.

    “I’m the president,” I replied.

    There was a pause. Then he said, “I’ll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something.”

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  • A Real State

    A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check.

    The clerk asked for her driver’s license.

    She presented her West Virginia driver’s license and the clerk grabbed it away from her and scoffed, “If you’re going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!”

    A manager was required to verify West Virginia’s statehood.

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  • Five Blank Copies

    Several years ago there was an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?”

    “Just use the copier machine paper,” she told him.

    With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of typing paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

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  • Prepare Three Envelopes

    A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high-tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.

    Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”

    The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.

    The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.

    The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”

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  • Wrong Plane

    During the “rush hour” at Houston’s Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away.

    Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement: “We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should ‘deplane’ at this time.”

    A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. “Sorry,” he said. “Wrong plane.”

    A true story.

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  • The Microsoft Building

    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.

    The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign read “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.

    People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

    The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

    After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position.

    The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

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  • If Dr. Seuss Wrote About Computer Users

    Tech: “I think I know from where your problems stem. Would you, could you, RTFM?”

    User: “I would not, could not RTFM. I want you to solve my problem.”

    Tech: “Could you read the docs online? Would you read them any time?”

    User: “I would not read the docs online. Without them I can do just fine.”

    Tech: “Would you read a FAQ or HOWTO? Is this something you could do?”

    User: “I could not read a FAQ or HOWTO. Even the thought makes me spew.”

    Tech: “What could I suggest next? Would you read it in hypertext?”

    User: “I would not read help in hypertext, for the problem with which I am vexed.”

    Tech: “How about if you could read it through a conveniently placed system menu?”

    User: “I will not access help from a menu. That stuff is a bunch of ballyhoo!”

    Tech: “How much simpler could this be? Did you try the help hotkey?”

    User: “I’ll try not a help hotkey, to that I will never agree!”

    User: “I would not, could not RTFM. I want you to solve my problem!”

    Tech: “Since you will not RTFM, you I must now condemn”

    Tech: “To a life without working software, and a constant feeling of despair.”

    Tech: “You should read a book by Dr. Seuss, or maybe something by Mother Goose.”

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  • Techs to Change a Light Bulb?

    Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Four hundred and seventy-two: One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle…

    Q: How many technical support personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? OK. Now, exactly how dark is it? OK. There could be four or five things wrong… Have you tried the light switch?

    Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

    Q: How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: We just notice that the room is dark; we don’t actually fix the problem.

    Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to screw the bulb into the faucet.

    Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request service number 39,712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue.

    Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: You’re still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you’d have to do is send a light-bulb-change message.

    Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: The light bulb works fine in my office.

    Q: How many shipping department guys does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the light bulb changed overnight.

    Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness™ as the new industry standard.

    Q: How many service technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Just one, and he does it very well, but there is that $85.00 non-refundable on-site service fee to consider…

    Q: How many quality assurance techs does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two, and you’ll need a forty-eight-hour burn-in, two hours of cool down, and a very thorough bench analysis of the new bulb, so don’t expect to see either bulb for a week or so.

    Q: How many receptionists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Zero — well, actually one: the one who told the office manager about the light bulb problem in the first place.

    Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. That’s a hardware problem.

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  • Technical Experiences

    Listed below are (sad, but true) excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton:

    An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response: “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

    Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for twenty minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, “What power switch?”

    Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

    AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

    Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

    Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

    A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

    Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech referred him to the local Egghead. “Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,” the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, “Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.”

    Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

    A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid.” The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.

    Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After forty minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

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