Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”
“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”
“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t catch a thing!”
“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.
The boy said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”
My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for advice.
Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, “What should I feed Lily for lunch?”
“That’s up to you,” I replied. “There’s all kinds of food. Why don’t you pretend I’m not at home?”
A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband asking, “Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh… what should I feed Lily for lunch?”
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when you start getting frustrated.
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training, and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said no. I kept thinking, oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn’t have any clothes with me.
Then I said, “Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?” I just knew that he must have had an accident, cause the smell was getting worse. SOOO, I asked one more time, “MATT DID YOU HAVE AN ACCIDENT?”
This time with a little smirk on his face he jumped up and yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE MOM IT’S JUST GAS!!!!”
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified, but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had.
Teacher to Little Johnny: “You’re late again. What’s your excuse today, Johnny?”
LJ: “There was a man outside who lost a hundred dollar bill.”
Teacher: “Oh… so you were helping him find it? That’s very nice of you, Johnny.”
LJ: “Well, not really… I was standing on it.”
A local store was giving away free samples of perfume, limited to one per customer.
I went in with my brother, who decided that if he sprayed the entire sample on himself in the store, then he was entitled to take another as he hadn’t technically left the store with the first. He repeated this seven or eight times until he reeked of roses.
Somehow, he seemed not to find anything wrong with this behaviour. I, however, was appalled. I couldn’t believe my own brother would abuse the rules so fragrantly.
