Hiking in your 70s is a great way to meet people.
Today I met two paramedics, three nurses, a cardiologist… and nearly met Jesus!
Sensitivity: Clean
Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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But You Were 147 Votes Short
Famous dentist Sam and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
Sam looked at his wife’s face for a moment and asked, “Darling, did you ever cheat on me in these fifty years?”
The woman, quite surprised by her husband’s question, remained silent for a while.
“If my answer is yes, wouldn’t your opinion of me change? Do you still want to know despite everything?”
“No, my love, it wouldn’t change, and I really do want to know. Please tell me.”
“Since you want to learn, yes, darling, I cheated on you three times,” the woman replied.
“Who were these people?” Sam asked.
“The first one,” the woman began to explain, “remember when you were 30 years old and wanted to open your own clinic, but no bank manager would give you a loan? Then one bank manager came to the house. Without asking anything, he had you sign all the papers, and you were able to open your clinic with ultra-modern equipment. Do you remember?”
“Ahhh, my darling. So you sacrificed yourself for me, my dear wife,” Sam said. “And the second one?”
“Remember when you had a heart attack at 39, and you needed critical bypass surgery, but no doctor had the courage to do it? You could have died any moment. Dr. Halery got up from all that distance, came, performed your surgery, and brought you back to life,” his wife said.
“Ahhh, my beloved wife, so you sacrificed yourself once more to save my life, is that right? And the third infidelity?”
“Do you remember? Years ago, you were 43 and wanted to become the president of the dentists’ chamber, but you were 147 votes short…”
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Tickets Please
Three retired NASA engineers and three IRS accountants are taking an Amtrak train to a conference in Chicago.
At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and notice the three engineers buying only one.
“How are three grown men going to ride on one ticket?” one accountant asks.
“Just watch,” one of the engineers says with a grin.
They board the train. The accountants sit in their seats while the engineers squeeze into a restroom and lock the door.
Soon the conductor walks through the carriage calling, “Tickets, please!” He knocks on the restroom door. The door cracks open and a single hand sticks out holding one ticket. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants nod at each other, impressed.
After the conference, the accountants decide to try the same trick on the way home. This time they proudly buy just one ticket.
To their surprise, the engineers don’t buy any at all.
“How are you riding without a ticket?” an accountant whispers.
“Just watch,” the engineer replies.
On the train ride back, the accountants pile into one restroom and the engineers slip into another.
The train pulls out of the station. A few minutes later, one of the engineers quietly steps out of his restroom. He walks over to the accountants’ door and knocks.
In his best official voice he says, “Tickets, please.”
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The Worlds Smartest Man Just Jumped Out With My School Backpack
There are four people on an airplane: The pilot, the President of the United States, the world’s smartest man, and a student from a local school.
Suddenly, an alarm sounds. The pilot runs into the passenger cabin and says:
“I don’t want to alarm you, but there’s a problem with the engine. We’re going down!”
Everyone prepares to evacuate, but there’s a problem. There are only three parachutes. One person will have to stay behind.
The President says, “I’m the President. My country needs me!” He grabs a parachute, straps it on, and jumps out.
The world’s smartest man says, “I’m the smartest man in the world. I must survive for the sake of my great inventions!” He grabs a bag from the same area, puts it on his back, and jumps out.
Now only the pilot and the student remain, and there appears to be just one parachute left.
“Well,” says the pilot, “you take it. I suppose the captain goes down with his ship.”
“Actually,” says the student, “there are two parachutes.”
The pilot looks confused. “How?”
“The world’s smartest man just jumped out with my school backpack.”
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It Tastes Like Ass
If you’ve never tried donkey meat, don’t bother.
It tastes like ass.
