Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • I Got in the Back Seat by Mistake

    A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.

    However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.

    “Never mind,” he said with a hiccup. “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

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  • Hickory Daiquiri, Doc

    A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

    One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

    The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”

    “No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender. “It’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”

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  • Over Here on the Swing

    A man and his wife are awakened at three o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

    “Not a chance,” says the husband. “It is three o’clock in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

    “Who was that?” asked his wife.

    “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

    “Did you help him?” she asks.

    “No, I did not. It is three in the morning and it is pouring out!” says the husband.

    “Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

    The man agrees, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

    “Yes,” comes back the answer.

    “Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

    “Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

    “Where are you?” asks the husband.

    “Over here on the swing!” replied the drunk.

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  • This Is a Singles Bar

    A man walks into a bar and says, “Excuse me, I’d like a pint of beer.”

    The bartender serves the drink and says, “That’ll be four dollars.”

    The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

    “Sorry, sir,” the bartender says, “but I can’t accept that.”

    The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. “What’s going on here?” the man asks.

    Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, “This is a Singles Bar.”

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  • Maybe Later

    An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge of the hotel and demanded of the barmaid, “Give me a double Scotch on the rocks.”

    “What do you want to do, get me in trouble?” the barmaid asked.

    “Maybe later,” the kid said. “Right now, I just want the Scotch.”

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  • Help Getting Out of the Mud

    Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car, and started it up.

    After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.

    The passenger screamed, “Look at the window! There’s an old ghost’s face there!”

    The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.

    The passenger rolled his window down partway and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”

    The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”

    The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it!” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

    A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry — the speedometer says we’re doing eighty now.”

    All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

    “There he is again!” the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”

    “Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.

    The passenger threw a lighter out the window, saying, “Step on it!”

    They were driving about a hundred miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

    “Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”

    The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”

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  • Eats That Many Trains

    My personal trainer said he eats five big meals and trains six days a week.

    I have no idea how he eats that many trains.

  • High Salary No Experience

    High Salary No Experience

    Her: You’re asking for a pretty high salary for someone who has no experience in this field.

    Him: Well, this job is gonna be super hard since I have no idea wtf I’m doing.

  • Beware of Doug

    Beware of Doug

    BEWARE OF DOUG

    ACME SALES CO.

  • It’s Not a Problem, It’s a Solution

    A scientist and his apprentice are mixing fluids in a beaker.

    The scientist adds a final drop to the mixture. The fluid violently shakes, turns a nasty green, and releases a puff of smoke.

    The apprentice sees this reaction and asks the scientist if there’s a problem.

    The scientist calmly explains that this isn’t a problem, it’s a solution.

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